Fat Chick Blogging

2009-08-10T21:56:00.004-04:00

Of course, the most guilty person in this regard is myself. I have hated myself for so long. It hasn't worked. Time to try something new.

An Almost Unbearable Sweetness

2009-08-03T23:39:00.004-04:00

Unfortunately, being in the business I'm in, I attend more than a normal share of funerals. One of our consumers died last Thursday, and the funeral was this morning. Most of our consumers are not high functioning enough to really grasp the idea of death, but we do have some "guys" that do understand.

Now, I hate funerals as a rule, and have a difficult time going up to pay my respects (the reason why is a story for another day), so I usually wait until the end when everyone makes one last quick pass past the casket.

As I was waiting on line today, one of our consumers, who normally has a difficult time talking (due to aphasia), was wheeled up to the casket. "Good-bye, Vinnie," she said, "I'll see you in heaven."

Procrastinate much?

2009-07-28T20:59:00.004-04:00

I finally planted some flowers in my outside planters. Found some cheap flowers at the local supermarket. (I guess they are trying to get rid of their stock, since summer's almost OVER.) I planted mini chrysanthemums (wow! spellcheck says that's right!) in several colors and some dahlias.

The dahlias look like this:

Better late than never!

A Sign

2009-07-27T21:32:00.002-04:00

A sign that I have seen too many "CSI"s:

I was driving to work the other morning and I came to a stop light that is basically in the middle of a lot of woods. I was startled to see a knife laying on the ground in the middle of the road.

And immediately began looking for the body.

Strange psycho thoughts

2009-06-29T23:31:00.005-04:00

I think I have reverse body dysmorphic disorder. People with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) are obsessed by the idea that some part of their body is ugly or deformed, when in truth it looks normal. I look in the mirror and think, eh, I don't look that bad. Yet I know from looking at other people my size that I am abnormal. It is not normal to be this fat. I flip between finding myself repulsive (more likely if I catch a glimpse of myself nekkid) and thinking I look okay (mostly when I am clothed). I think that this may, in some way, be my brain's way of conning me into thinking I really don't need to lose weight. The prescription bottles in the cabinet, of course, tell me different.

I ordered the Sweatin' to the Oldies DVDs since my videos are shot. It also has an extra DVD which I believe is about loving yourself(?). I know that I can mostly get through Sweatin' 1 and Sweatin' 2, so I'm hoping the new DVDs will inspire me.

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What a bizarre day it was last Thursday...whoever thought Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson would die on the same day. Since I grew up in the 70's for the most part, they were both an integral part of my childhood/teen years.

Farrah...rest in peace.
Michael...I hope you finally find peace.

Why I Hate "Butterfly Kisses"

2009-06-22T22:11:00.005-04:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I have been here. Or that I left such an irrelevant post up! :-P

The last few weeks have been crazy. We had our audit at work. I was working 10 or more hours a day to prepare. It went really well and neither of the citations we received were in my area. Then last week I was sick. I was out of work for 2 days, feeling flu-ish, oh-so-tired and achy. I slept for the better part of those 2 days. I still didn't feel that great the rest of the week, but I'm okay now.

Josh went back to the vet again 2 weeks ago. His feet are better, but he is not cured. He has to go back again this weekend. He is not wearing the "funnel-head" collar any more.

I had a dream about my dad the other night. I couldn't figure out what brought it on, then I realized today that yesterday was Father's Day. It's been so long since I have had to think about Father's Day that it is off my radar. My dad died 18 years ago at the age of 57. He had cancer throughout his body. He was a lifelong smoker and and alcoholic. He also was one of those men that never went to the doctor, so we don't know where the cancer started. I had been...I guess you would call it estranged from my dad for 5 years before he died. My step mother was not a very nice woman and didn't really want me around, and my dad was not the type to stand up to her. I had decided at one point that I was not going to call him any more...if he wanted to be in contact he would have to make the effort. He never made the effort. I found out that he was dying from my aunt, who I had stayed in touch with basically through Christmas cards. I finally gave in and called him. When I called, he answered the phone and I said, "Hi, it's Laurie (that's what I was called when I was little)." And he said, "Who?" This freaked me out and I hung up on him. My mom, in one of her nicer moments where dad was concerned, calmed me down and got me to call back. I talked to him for a while. The next day my step monster called me and asked if I wanted to come visit. I decided to go, not realizing the day that I agreed to was Father's Day. We had a pretty good visit, but his brain was already affected by the cancer and he kept asking the same questions over and over again. When I was leaving, my step mother walked me out and told me they had hospice coming in and basically that he was dying. No sh*t, sherlock. I still can't believe she would have let me come visit without my knowing anything about his condition. (As you can see, I still have some issues regarding her. I am, however, grateful that she was there for him at the end and that she made him happy for the time they had together. Isn't that mature of me? :-p )

Also, showing up empty-handed on Father's Day was awkward. Whatever.

So I never resolved anything with my dad. I was such a daddy's girl, that it seems surreal that things ended up the way they did. I have had periodic dreams about him where I've been able to make peace with certain things, so I guess my unconscious mind continues to work through things.

Rating the Finales

2009-05-25T22:16:00.004-04:00

Well, my TV watching is over for the summer. Here is a quick review of all the finales I have watched in the last few weeks.

America's Next Top Model-What an entirely boring season. I couldn't even remember most of the girl's names. I thought Allison should have won. I usually don't agree with the winner. 1 out of 5 chicks.

Biggest Loser-Woo-hoo! Way to go, Helen! Funny, I had been identifying with Tara all season (well she is from Long Island!), but Helen's only a little older than me. I did, however, read that Helen is now considered underweight. Ya just can't win! 5 out of 5 chicks.

American Idol-another yawn for me. I liked Danny and Allison. 2 out of 5 chicks.

Dancing with the Stars-Woo-hoo, again! That cute little Shawn Johnson was my choice, too. 5 out of 5 chicks

Grey's Anatomy-snooze. Don't care if George and/or Izzie die. 1 out of 5 chicks.

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I'm watching this new show called "Obsessed." It's probably not the best idea for me, since I have had many periods of OCD throughout my life. I have done the compulsive handwashing, compulsive lock checking, compulsive clock checking (making sure the alarm is set for the correct time, that it's on a.m. and not p.m., that the radio station is not fading, and that the volume is high enough, but not too high, just high enough to wake me up, but not high enough to give me a heart attack...you get the idea). I don't need any more ideas put in my head.

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I went to work today even though I had the day off because I wanted to try to get ahead, but I don't really feel like I got much accomplished. There is too much work and not enough time.

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Josh update: He went to the vet on Saturday for a follow-up, and while we were there one of his nails fell off, then the vet pulled off another one that was hanging. She shaved his feet so we could put saline on his toes. He is, shall we say, uncooperative. He's supposed to still have the funnel on his head but we are leaving it off because he doesn't seem to be licking. Heidi is so happy...she can get to his ears now!

Prejudiced

2009-05-14T21:54:00.003-04:00

Ang at Getting Fit After Forty posted today about her social experiment to see the different ways people treated her if she wore makeup and nicer clothes.

I wear makeup and dress as well as I can and do my hair every day. The reason I do this is because I'm prejudiced. Prejudiced against my fellow fat people. I cannot stand it when I see someone out in public, or, even worse, at work, dressed like a slob. I feel like these are the people that give fat people a bad name. It looks as if they've given up, and they might as well have "abuse me" signs taped to their backs.

It really is all about how you present yourself. I always try to walk tall with my head up, and I don't see or hear people making fun of me. I have noticed, though, that, on occasion, if I am really tired and not paying attention to how I am walking or moving, there tends to be more pointing or snickering.

I know some would say that the people who don't bother suffer from low self-esteem, but I don't consider myself to have great self-esteem. Most of the time I don't even like myself. But there has got to be something more that makes people just give up.

I. Will. Never. Give. Up.

Quote for the day:
"There are so many wonderful things in life to be afraid of, if you just learn how scary they are."~borrowed from a friend on Facebook

Are YOU talkin' to ME???

2009-05-11T22:29:00.004-04:00

Wow! Summer gave me a Super Blogger award. I am sooooo not worthy (as I said in response to her post). Thank you so much, Summer! I'm not going to send it on to other bloggers because I don't know how. Also everyone I like already has one since I am so slow to respond. I'm hoping I can figure out how to post my award.

Work is so incredibly hectic. We will be having our state audit in 2-3 weeks, so now is the time I start going insane! I know that I can get my work done if everyone would leave me alone, but no, I end up doing everyone else's work and no one helps me with mine.

Poor Josh still has a funnel head. He went back to the vet again on Saturday and had to have one of his funky nails removed. He came homw with a little blue bandage on his foot (with stars). I wonder if they have pink for girl dogs. When he went outside we had to tape a baggie to his foot. He did. not. like. it. Not one little bit. When the time finally came to take off the bandage, I had to practically sit on him and pull up on his collar like reins to get him to cooperate. Good thing he's a fat dog, so I didn't hurt him! (My neck, on the other hand, is another story!)

Richard's chat was good tonight. All the excuses. I think I've used them all. What I wanted to ask him was, what about when you DO lose weight, not all of it, but enough to feel really good, and you become complacent and cease being vigilant. It's happened to me quite a few times. How do you stay on top of things?

Quote for today:
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.~Unknown

April Showers bring May flowers; what do May flowers bring?

2009-04-30T22:05:00.003-04:00

When I was watching the Biggest Loser, I had no sympathy for Max, brother of contestant Mike/son of contestant Ron. But, I was reading an article about the contestants the other day, and I read that Max is only 17 years old. That certainly explains a lot. I assume he's still in high school and probably harrassed every day. His jealousy of his brother's success makes so much more sense now that I see they are only a year apart. I commented on someone's post about this, although I can't remember whose, but my opinion of the kid has certainly changed, even though I still think he should have given his dad and brother their props.

I am feeling like a big failure right now myself. I swore I would get back on track with exercising this week during the cybercruise, but I haven't done a damn thing yet. What the heck is wrong with me???

Poor Josh...still a funnel-headed dog. Turns out my mother did not give him the right amount of antibiotic, so he's got to wear the elizabethan collar for at least another week and a half. He just keeps giving us the sad puppy eyes.

Quote for the day:
"The world's favorite season is the spring. All things seem possible in May."
-- Edwin Way Teale

Addiction

2009-04-22T22:15:00.003-04:00

I have an addictive personality. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother was a binge eater. I am a compulsive overeater. But that's not the kind of addiction I am talking about today.

I want to come clean about my other addictions.

I am addicted to Etsy.
I blame it on Laura S. Before she actually had an Etsy store, she had a section on her home page that said something like "Check out my Etsy shop." Shop??? I went to look for her shop but of course could not find it. But Etsy...wow is that my kind of place. Millions of one of a kind items. The coolest jewelry ever.
All Laura's fault. :-D

I am addicted to tweezing. I am obsessed abou my eyebrows to the point that I now have half brows. This must stop before I look like like Whoopi.

I am addicted to magazines. I subscribe to TVGuide, Entertainment Weekly, O, Ladies' Home Journal, Reader's Digest, and People, yet every time I go to the supermarket, I seem to bring another home another one. Even though I know I am unnecessarily killing trees, I can't seem to stop myself.

I am also addicted to: reality television, reading, Facebook (that's a new one), blogs, and makeup.

One thing I used to be addicted to, and am hoping to pick up this addiction again:
EXERCISE!!! I vow to start exercising again, even if it's only 10 minutes at a time, while participating in the cybercruise.

Quotes for the day:
"Good habits are as addictive as bad habits, and a lot more rewarding." Harvey McKay

“We may think there is willpower involved, but more likely… change is due to want power. Wanting the new addiction more than the old one. Wanting the new me in preference to the person I am now.” George Sheehan

Hiding from the Sun

2009-04-19T01:36:00.003-04:00

Oh my gah! What a gorgeous day it was today...sunny and 72 degrees. I went out to get my hair done---got it colored and trimmed. I left with my jacket on, but soon realized I wouldn't need it. I felt so uncomfortable. I like winter, except for the cold part. I can be covered up from neck to toes. I was tugging at my t-shirt all day, trying to cover up my fat. As if I could. I hate this so much.

Funnel-headed Dog

2009-04-16T21:55:00.002-04:00

Took Josh to the vet yesterday because he's been limping for a couple of days. He cried once when he was "playing" with Heidi, so we thought maybe she had hurt him when jumping on him. Turns out he has an infected toe. Actually he has TWO infected toes. It turns out this is common in German Shepherds. They get some weird toe fungal infection. Yuk! So since his licking the foot constantly has made it worse he has an Elizabethan collar on. He does. not. like. it. Heidi has this habit of licking his ears (the vet said his ears were really clean! LOL). When we got home she ran up to him and started licking the plastic. She couldn't figure out why she couldn't get to his ears.

Someone at work asked me if I was losing weight. I don't know...haven't weighed myself. My eating has been considerably better, so it is a possibility. But I am not going to jinx myself by getting on the scale (yes, I have a scale phobia). Yesterday at work I had to do an environmental walk-through. It took over an hour and a half (actually I had to leave before it was over to take Josh to the vet). Everything hurt! My knees, ankles, back. I still haven't started exercising, that has to be my next step. I know that when I exercise it really helps my back and knees, so why do I hesitate? I think maybe it's the commitment. Once I start I know I really need to do something every single day. If I skip one day, it makes it somehow easier to skip 2 days, then 3, then 3 years. When I think that it has been 3years since I exercised regularly I am ashamed.

Things have been okay at work. The new manager and I are working well together, so maybe I overreacted to what happened last week. We'll see.

A quote for the day:
“To eat is a necessity, but to eat intelligently is an art.” -La Rochefoucauld

Sabotage/Flabotage

2009-04-12T00:44:00.003-04:00

Summer over at Mommy Needs Coffee wrote a great post about how we sabotage ourselves in our weight loss journey. I started to reply in her comments, but I then I thought it would be a good subject to blog about myself.

I have sabotaged myself so many times. In 1994 I lost a hundred pounds. I didn't see any difference in the mirror for the longest time. It took seeing pictures of myself that were unrecognizable to realize how far I had come. My best friend at the time took one look at a picture of me on a field trip with my class and blurted out, "Wow, you look normal!" And she was right, I did. Even though I was still over a hundred pounds from goal, I looked really good. I managed to lose a bit more weight before my first Cruise to Lose in 1995, but once that was over, I slowly began to gain the weight back. By the time I went on my next cruise in 1996 I had gained about 30 pounds back. It seems that whenever people start complimenting me and paying attention to my weight loss, I sabotage myself. I lost between 80 and 100 pounds several more times, only to shoot myself down again.

There is definitely some kind of fear there...but fear of what? Why am I afraid of losing weight and being healthy? Is part of it fear of disappointing people who believe in me? I do think that part of it is that when I was very young, like 12 to 14 years old, I looked older than I was (and I was quite thin at the time) and I received a lot of confusing, scary, and inappropriate attention from men.

My mom was a fat kid who got teased a lot, and she was determined that I not be fat. She had me on diets from the time I was seven. When I look back at the pictures I wasn't a fat kid. She will say this is because she controlled what I ate. I don't blame her anymore. She was doing what she thought was best for me. Although I do think that in the past a lot of my eating was rebellious, I can't blame it on that any more. In one of Geneen Roth's books, she says, in essence, "I will never have a happy childhood." It's time to get over that and get on with my life. I was beaten as a kid, but I long ago forgave my father for that, and he has been gone for almost 18 years, so there's no need for fear there.

But yet, still the fear persists. I wonder if I will ever understand the fear or if I will just have to combat it for the rest of my life.

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After what happened at work on Thursday, I feel my days there are numbered. I need to prepare myself for finding another job, and one of the first parts of that, for me, is getting some weight off so I feel more comfortable and more confident about meeting new people. I know they will keep me around at least until June, because that is when our audit will be, so I have a couple of months to get a good start on making the lifestyle changes I need to make.

Ms. Undastood

2009-04-09T22:10:00.003-04:00

Warning: This may be a very whiny post.

I got in trouble at work today.

My boss called me into her office and said that I was too negative, rude, and asked me if I was passive aggressive. She then brought up all these other times that I have apparently been negative and inappropriate. What do I call the fact that she saved all this up instead of speaking to me the first time she felt this way about what I said? This was in reference to meetings with other departments in the same agency, where I felt I was being honest, not negative. I don't really remember what I said specifically, so I don't know what she construed as being negative/rude. I can be very blunt, so I can see how this might be seen as being rude to someone who doesn't really know me, but, damn, I felt so ambushed and soooooo frustrated. I tried not to be defensive, but really didn't know how to respond. I felt tears welling up, so I just concentrated on not crying. Just kept nodding. I don't know what to do now. I am going to be afraid to open my mouth. I always felt it was okay to voice my opinion, but obviously it's not.

On the plus side, I managed not to cry until I got in my car and off the property.

Calling Dr. Doolittle!

2009-04-06T23:34:00.005-04:00

My old dog, Jake, when it thundered, would curl up back by the closed bedroom doors. It was like a little cave where he would be protected from the lightning. This was only a problem when I needed to leave my bedroom and he refused to move. Climbing over a 75 pound dog when I had to pee was not easy. Josh, however. cowers by the stove--the place where the most electricity comes into the house, as far as I can figure. It's really hard to work around a 95 pound dog shivering in the middle of your very small kitchen. Sigh. The girl dog, on the other hand, could not care less. We think she's not the sharpest tool in the shed, so is she too dumb to be afraid???

The late, great Jake "helping" me exercise, circa sometime in the '90's---

The cats are not allowed on my sheets or up near the pillows. I am mildly allergic to cats, so I really cannot be inhaling cat dander all night. Now they are both smart enough to know I don't want them on the sheets or at the top of the bed. How do I know this? Because as soon as I walk into the bedroom, they get up and move off of the sheets (if I have left the bed unmade--this can happen in the 2 minutes it takes me to, again, pee) or move down to the bottom of the bed. Beyotches. Sigh...

Richard sez

2009-03-23T22:43:00.003-04:00

Be my own best friend.

That's kind of an interesting concept. I mean, really, would I ever treat my best friend as badly as I treat myself? Would I call my best friend failure, ugly, repulsive or stupid? Would I give my best friend things I know are not good for her? Would I put my best friend last?

Food for thought. (heh, food!)

Spring, my ass!

2009-03-21T22:30:00.003-04:00

So, yesterday was the first day of Spring and it snowed. At least it didn't stick. Today it was freezing again. I got myself a new Spring pocketbook, but I refuse to wear it with my winter coat!!!

I don't plant anything directly in the earth in my yard. I've always had problems with moles and they ate everything I planted or moved it around. So now every year three rogue surviving crocuses come up in different areas of the front lawn. I start looking for them a few weeks before Spring starts. So, yay, Tuesday I see the first crocus!!! I took its picture with my cell phone. And Friday it snows. Poor little crocus. It's still there but not looking too healthy. I can't wait until it's time to plant flowers in all my planters. Then I will know it's really Spring!

So, this is my blog issue. I'm on the computer so much at work that when I get home I don't want to even look at a computer any more. So I don't go on the computer for a few days. Then I realize I am going to have a ton of mail to deal with, so I don't want to go on the computer even more! 'Til finally, 2 or 3 weeks later, I say, "I've really got to go on the computer." Whereupon I spend 2 and 1/2 hours reading e-mails. And those are only the ones I consider worth reading. Out of 380 I read 102.

So, this is my issue with American Idol. The contestants have to sing songs from a different genre each week. This week was country music. I like some country music, especially Garth Brooks, but I digress. This is supposedly so the judges and the American public can see that the contestants can perform at least adequately in all genres of music. So why is it that when the contestants take a perfectly good country song and sing it in a non-country way in a non-country arangement they get the highest praise from the judges? Is a puzzlement. Maybe I am getting over reality TV.

So, this is my issue with work. I don't want to do it anymore. Most of what I have to do is such an agonizing bore that I cannot force myself to focus. I wander out of my office looking for other things to do. But if I don't do my work, no one else will. And, yes, of course, I know I am lucky to have a job. So the papers just continue to pile up on my desk, and I still need to write an annual in-service to give the week after next.

So, this is my issue with weight. Once upon a time, I lost a hundred pounds in 12 weeks, and I wasn't even on The Biggest Loser. And I didn't do it in an unhealthy way, either. I just got up one morning and it all clicked. I started exercising that very day, even though I could only manage 15 minutes, and started eating right. In about a year after that I managed to lose another 50 pounds. I was no where near goal, but felt awesome. I'm the opposite of what usually happens, I lost the weight fast and gained it back really slow. So slow that I almost didn't notice it. I'm noticing it now, and hoping for another "click," but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I'm starting to realize that it may never happen again and I will have to slog my way through kicking and screaming, and probably crying. I do remember how happy I was then, but it seems so far away...

Oh, for crap's sake!

2009-03-02T22:21:00.003-05:00

My blog seems to have disappeared. I open it up and there aren't any posts. Everything else is there, just no posts.

There was a foot of snow outside this morning, so I called in to work. When I spoke to the assistant manager, I said, "Hi, it's Laura, I'm not coming in today." She said, "I didn't think you were." I have not called in on a snow day yet this year. I went in after all the overnight storms. I stayed through all the storms that started during the day. So WTF was that supposed to mean?

I got an e-mail today saying that the camera I ordered was out of stock and my order was cancelled. It took a week and and a half for them to figure that out?

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On a nice note, the neighbor came over and plowed out the car and the front walk. He shoveled the front steps and even cleaned the snow off my car. Unfortunately, it snowed quite a bit more, but I can handle cleaning up what's left.

Edited to add: I have my posts back. Yay.

Some Whine With My Cheese

2009-02-23T21:54:00.003-05:00

I'm tired. I have a sore throat and a cough I cannot get rid of. I went to work today because I was afraid to stay home. I'm afraid if I call in sick they will see that they can do without me and they will "dissolve" my job. It's happening all the time. Today I found out one of the assistant manager's positions was dissolved and she is going back to being a DCC. They say no one is being laid off, but that doesn't mean no one is losing their job. I wouldn't be so scared if I wasn't so fat. If I wasn't so fat I wouldn't have to worry about being rejected for another job just because of my weight/appearance. So, feeling this way, what did I do when I got home?

Binged.

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yet I am frozen, unable to move, unable to change anything about my life. Beyond increasing my water intake, I have not been able to move forward.

We are having a Mardi Gras party at work tomorrow. I have to dig out my Mardi Gras jewelry. I will try to remember the great times I had in New Orleans on several CTLs, and have a happier day.

Sad and Mad

2009-02-22T01:25:00.003-05:00

My friend Marianne has liver cancer. They found out the other day that it is Stage 4. The doctors recommended that she "get her affairs in order." This is bad enough, right? Well, her asshat husband has decided that she is not to be told this. He also is not telling her children (they are her children, not his...they are all adults). I can't get this out of my brain. I am so sad for her...she may not see her next grandchild born. I am furious at Bob. How dare he? Is this the 1950's where we don't tell the little woman because she can't handle it?

I really can't wrap my brain around this.

I am now the proud owner of...

2009-02-19T21:15:00.004-05:00

...a Laura Silverman piece!!! (Well, I will be as soon as it gets here.) It's so gorgeous in the pictures...I can't wait to see it on my neck. It's so funny that I have really just recently started wearing necklaces. (I thought my neck was too fat to wear them. Stupid, I know.) Woo-hoo I'm gonna have a piece of art on my neck!

My boss was so annoying yesterday. She comes into my office and says, "I have to send you to the hospital today. I don't have anyone else." Now, if she had asked me nicely I would have agreed to go and felt good about it, instead I resented it. Then, 15 minutes after I got there, I was in G's hospital room and she called me on my cell phone to tell me I had to go down to the ER right away to meet another consumer who was coming in by ambulance. From all the times I have spent in the ER with my mom, I should have known there was no rush. But I did go right down, only to sit in the waiting room for an hour waiting to see him. By the time I got in to see him, it was only 10 minutes until someone came in to relieve me. So I went back to G's room and stayed for some extra time. I hate that the consumers have to be in the hospital alone. On top of all that my boss tells me that we won't be providing the agreed upon amount of hospital coverage for G because we just don't have the staff. G is a Willowbrook Class individual. This coverage, as far as I know, is mandated by law. I told her when she came in today that she had to call the Director of QA, because I really don't think we can just blatantly disregard this.
All I know is that I couldn't just let it pass, it's my responsibility to see that regulations are followed. I guess I will find out what the Director of QA has to say tomorrow.

I've decided to try eating the lunches served at work every day instead of going out or ordering out; they are healthy for the most part. Today we had pot roast that was so tough I wasn't sure I could swallow it, but I guess that helped me eat less. :-)

I have finally ordered a new camera, so soon this blog will be filled with a ridiculous amount of pictures of my animals, that is if I can figure out how to get them on here!

Long Time, No See

2009-02-14T23:59:00.002-05:00

Once again, I can't believe how long it has been since I've been here. A lot of stuff has happened since I was here last.

We have a new president. We had an inauguration party at work. We decorated the dining room (where the big screen TV is) with red white and blue balloons, basically because staff wanted to be able to watch. But, the guys were good, and they applauded in the appropriate places. I was glad to be able to see it--it was an exciting day. Except...what was up with Aretha's hat???
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I was flabbergasted to find out that the agency I work for has named Sarah Palin as the Honoree of the Year. I honestly thought it was a joke when I first saw it on the website. I though someone had hacked into the company website and posted it. But no, it's for real. I guess because she gave birth to a baby with Down Syndrome, this suddenly makes her the patron saint of the developmentally disabled. I can't believe that this person that stands for everything I despise is being honored by the agency.
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The snow!!! Enough with the frickin' frackin' snow already! Last year we had next to no snow, this year it seems like a storm a week. And the cold! I just want to stay in my bed with my new flannel comforter and not come out until spring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My weight on January 30th was 451.5. The only difference I made is making sure I drink at least 2 quarts of water a day. Baby steps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need to find a new doctor. I went to the doctor two weeks ago for my usual bloodwork. I knew it wouldn't be good, because I had run out of medication and I was peeing constantly. My blood sugar was high when I was there, and I had glucose in my urine. I got refills on my meds, and they added a new med which I would be trying for a month. A few days later I get a call that I have to come in to "discuss" my test results. Translated that means come in so we can charge you for another visit. Knowing that I have to go back at the end of the month since I only got one month's supply of the new med, I ignored the call. A few days ago, I called for a refill on another prescription. (It turned out that they had given me the wrong refill last time, so I took double the amount so my dosage would be correct, which meant I ran out in two weeks. I called to get the correct prescription.) I recieved a call back saying I had to come in to discuss my results and then I could have my prescription! I said, so because I can't come in right away to discuss my results I can't get my meds? That's right. I was so mad I wanted to scream! Luckily I still had a refill on the "wrong" prescription, so I was able to get that, even though I had to pay for it. I truly can't believe they tried to hold me hostage like that.

A friend of mine from my old job has liver cancer. Our insurance is giving her a hard time about her treatment. They want to put a port in her liver for chemo before they operate to remove more than half her liver, and the insurance won't cover it because it is considered "experimental surgery."

I AM NOT HAPPY WITH DOCTOR'S OR INSURANCE COMPANIES THIS WEEK!
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American Idol-we have a final 36...how long until there are 12 and I can actually start to care?

Biggest Loser-an hour for the weigh-ins? Still? Really?

Why am I watching Rock of Love Bus? It ought to make me ashamed to be female, but I just can't stop myself.
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I just read a great book called The Little Giant of Aberdeen County by Tiffany Baker. I couldn't put it down. I could never be a book reviewer, because I can't put into words why I liked it so much. I guess I just know what I like.

It's a good thing I love to read, otherwise my brain would turn to mush from my TV viewing habits.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

2009-01-05T22:34:00.004-05:00

Reason #1 for losing weight.

I want to travel. I want to go everywhere and see everything. Being this weight makes this next to impossible. Yes, I can get places...the past few times I flew I bought two seats to prevent possible embarassment on an overfull flight. But that is not the point. I can barely walk for 5 minutes without being in pain. I am not the kind of person who is content to sit on a bus and watch the sights go by. I want to explore them by myself. I want to be able to climb up hills and get over uneven terrain without being scared of falling (and not being able to get up)or not being able to breathe.

Oh, the places I'll go:
Machu Picchu, Peru
Rome
Photo safari in Africa
back to Alaska
Ukraine
Ireland
be able to walk from one end of NYC to the other like I used to do
etcetera, etcetera,and so on

457.7

2009-01-04T00:59:00.004-05:00

That's my official weigh-in for the new year (actually New Year's Eve). Now to decide what I am going to DO about it!!!

99 Things

Things you've already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven't done and don't want to: leave in plain font

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band-unfortunately I have no musical talent--I did sing in the chorus in elementary and high school, though.
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more than you can afford to charity--I don't know....how much is too much??
7. been to disneyland/world
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sang a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited paris
13. watched a lightning storm at sea
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the mona lisa in france
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden a gondola in venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an amish community
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied-are we ever TRULY satisfied?
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen michelangelo's david in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful geyser erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. visited africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. had your portrait painted
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistene chapel in person
50. been to the top of the eiffel tower in paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkelling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theatre - with my mom & dad in my pjs when I was little
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood
65. gone sky diving
66. visited a nazi concentration camp
67. bounced a check
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job - I was leaving anyway, but still!
76. seen the changing of the guard in london
77. broken a bone
78. been on a speeding motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book I wrote the text for a book that was published in-house by my company...does that count?
81. visited the vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper
85. read the entire bible
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating - hell to the NO!
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club
93. lost a loved one
94. had a baby
95. seen the alamo in person
96. swum in the great salt lake
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. got stung by a bee

Sigh

2008-12-29T21:23:00.003-05:00

Once again, almost a whole week has gone by between posts. I do not even notice the time going by!

Christmas was...Christmas. Mom slept until 2 (early for her), we opened our presents, I made dinner, and that was the end of it. Nothing exciting. She got me two things I asked for; a wireless mouse for my laptop and a sound machine (it has relaxing sounds on it...ocean waves, waterfalls, etc.). She also got me a pretty necklace with some little diamonds on it. I was happy with my gifts. I still want to adopt a polar bear, though.

Normally, I would have taken the 26th off and made it a four-day weekend, but for some reason I didn't put in for it. It sucked getting up and going in on Friday, but it was a quiet day and I got a lot of work done.

I should change the name of this blog to Boring Chick Blogging.

Busy, busy, busy

2008-12-23T22:35:00.002-05:00

I don't understand how, when it's just me and my mother, Christmas still ends up being so busy. Today at work we finished the boxes for the staff and started handing them out. The consumers performed their Christmas pageant, which was adorable...wish I was allowed to post pictures! We had a cookie exchange (I don't wanna talk about it :-p). We had a special holiday lunch prepared by the dietary staff. Somewhere in there I did a bit of work, flew out the door at 4, came home and got my mother because she wanted me to take her Christmas shopping (for me). We also finally delivered our donations to the animal shelter, visited the kitties and the dogs, and saw the cutest puppy (which we are NOT getting). Then we went to a couple of stores. I had to get a last minute gift for my boss, since what I ordered STILL didn't come, so I ran into my favorite little gift shop, only to find they are closing. I did find a nice gift, but I am bummed they are closing since they were my go-to place when I was looking for a unique gift. Then we had to go food shopping. I really should run to Walmart tomorrow, because I forgot something I wanted to get my mother, but I'm not sure I can face Walmart on Christmas Eve.

Anyway, I hope this works. I want to put one of my favorite Christmas songs on here.

The definition of insanity...

2008-12-22T21:33:00.003-05:00

...is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

Like having pasta too often and not expecting to have horrid heartburn.

Last year when I went Christmas shopping for 2 of our consumers at work, I wore my big clunky lumberjack boots (because it was freezing and there was nasty, icy muck on the ground) and was in agony for 3 days afterwards, because, while they are good in ice and snow, they weigh about eleven billion pounds and have absolutely no cushioning. So spending 3 hours at Target=pain. I said to myself, "Self (that's what I call myself), do not go power shopping wearing these boots ever again." So today I have to go shopping for 2 of my consumers (1 the same, 1 different), and what is on my feet because of the nasty, icy muck on the ground? Yup, my insanity boots. Ouch, my feet hurt! My back's not feeling so great either.

I raced home like a maniac so I could make it to the post office while the lobby was still open because I am expecting a couple of packages (Christmas presents), one for my mom and one for my boss. Neither one of them arrived, dammit. I hope my boss does not give me a gift tomorrow, because I will have nothing to reciprocate.

I hate having to give gifts to people I don't like, but politically, I don't really have any choice. I did get some cute gifts for my office mates. I think they will like them.

I went to Richard's chat tonight, but I'm not sure why. I have made no attempt to do anything about my weight, and I feel like an imposter going there, even though I have not said anything to indicate otherwise. It just seems like, if you go there, you ought to be doing something about your weight, your mind, your life.

Looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead

2008-12-21T00:53:00.003-05:00

I haven't abandoned this blog already...really I haven't. I can't believe I haven't been here in so long. I haven't been feeling well...just a draggy cold/upper respiratory kind of thing, but mostly I come home and crawl under the covers and veg in front of the t.v. because it's cold and I'm tired. I've been having problems sleeping lately, worse than usual. The problem is not the actual sleeping, it's the getting to sleep. I will toss and turn and stare at the ceiling and wonder what the lyrics to "Blind Man in the Bleachers" are for hours. Once I am asleep I have no problem staying that way. In fact it's one of my favorite things to do. But lately I've been getting maybe 5 hours of sleep at night and drinking Diet Pepsi all day at work to stay awake.

Our governer has a plan to add a lot of taxes to weird things. He is going to tax regular soda, but not diet, as kind of an obesity tax. How many fat people drink regular soda? I've always drunk (drank?) diet soda because I liked the taste better, so I have no clue if this will be an effective tax.

I am finally back in my old office at work, and I am quite happy to be there. N, who moved into my previous/temporary office, hates it. Too bad, so sad. I knew I had made a mistake moving up front the very first day I was up there, and was thrilled for an excuse to move back, especially when it made B look bad. :-)

I ventured out today in the ice and snow to go food shopping and to deliver the treats and toys to the animal shelter. As I was driving up the long, long driveway to the shelter, it was covered with ice and snow...this did not bode well. I pulled into the parking lot and opened the door to a sea of solid ice. Apparently they did not sand or anything. I was too afraid of falling, especially since I had several other errands to run (and did not want to do them with a frozen butt), so I got back in the car and left. I will have to make sure I get over there by Wednesday.

I couldn't even shovel the snow. It snowed a ton while I was at work yesterday, then it rained and sleeted throughout the night, so everything re-froze. Then it snowed again this morning. My theory is that it is better to leave the snow as it is so I have something to walk on instead of trying to navigate across sheer ice. I want to move somewhere warm. Like this:

http://www.redfin.com/CA/OAKLAND/9416-WALNUT-St-94603/home/592836

I'm going to work to rest after this weekend!

2008-12-07T22:34:00.003-05:00

Oy, what a weekend. I get home from work on Friday totally exhausted and wanting a nap. Instead I took a nice relaxing trip to the Emergency vet. Sarah got out of the bedroom...and Josh got Sarah. I had to literally pick him up by the fur to get him off of her. Lifting a frenzied 95 pound dog wreaked havoc on my already bad neck and shoulders. We put Sarah on the floor and she was walking funny, like her right rear leg wouldn't hold up. So, off to the vet. She doesn't seem to have any broken bones, probably just soft tissue damage. Got 2 shots for pain and inflammation, and came home on antibiotics. Didn't get home until almost 10pm. The only good thing about this is that I could see that Heidi is not going to attack the cats. She did get all excited, but did not try to join in on the action. Saturday I had to take mom to the optometrist and then took her shopping. Went to Walmart, where I always get to haul tons of heavy stuff, 20 pound bags of dog food, 20 pound jugs of cat litter, etc. I bought a bunch of stuff to donate to the pound for the poor furry ones in jail...treats and toys. Took her a few more places, then went food shopping. Finally remembered I was supposed to pick up some candy for the boxes wer are making for the staff at work (candy cane tootsie roll pops...the only thing I could find that would not tempt me!) Got home after dark. Tried to take a nap (is there a theme here???) but Sarah was planted in the middle of my bed and I didn't want to disturb her. Today I had to do the usual laundry and chores, plus start decorating for Christmas. When I pulled out the furniture, I could not believe the amount of dust and dirt. Ended up doing a lot of heavy duty cleaning. Found out half the window lights don't work, so will have to go buy new ones and put them up tomorrow. Sarah is feeling much better today. Jumping off the bed to the floor instead of using the box I put out for her as a step. Didn't even try for a nap today.

Maybe I can take a nap at work.

Will I ever be enough?

2008-12-03T22:26:00.003-05:00

When I was a kid, I never felt like I was enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, and definitely not thin enough. My mother had me on diets from the time I was seven. I cheated on diets from the time I was 7. I never felt like I was anyone's favorite. I have never known anyone who preferred my company over everyone else's. I have always felt...inadequate. I could never sustain a relationship with a man because I wondered why he couldn't do better than me. My life now is so small. The bigger I get, the smaller my life gets. I go to work, go home, go sleep, get up, and start the whole thing all over again. I never do anything at night or on the weekends, not even go to the movies. I wonder if anyone would even notice if I ceased to exist, or rather if they would notice anything other than that I wasn't there to do things for them. If I gain enough weight, will I disappear?

How does a blogger get "famous"?

2008-12-01T21:58:00.006-05:00

I admit it. I'm addicted to blogs. If they ever find out how much time I spend reading blogs at work, I'll probably get fired. Seriously. I read some well-known blogs, like Pasta Queen, Dooce and Derfwad Manor, and I just wonder how a blogger gets famous. I mean, I know they have to have something to say and a unique way to say it, but what's the difference between those that click and those who just putter along without nearly enough followers. Some bloggers will post only once or twice a week, yet they are the most popular blogs on the internet. Yet some people who are fantastic writers get no attention. (I'm not talking about myself...I haven't found my blog "voice" yet.) I wonder if there's some kind of secret blog manual.

Work's still sucking. My boss couldn't be bothered to talk to the people who have to move around so I can go back to my office, so I was homeless today. I worked in my current office, but everything's packed up and it's really hard to work out of boxes. I did get some work accomplished, but less than I wanted to. (It was easier to read blogs! :-))

Thanksgiving in a can

2008-11-27T00:23:00.005-05:00

It's only me and mom for Thanksgiving. We haven't had company since Jan and the girls moved away. We don't have any family to go to, nor really any friends, not that she would go anywhere even if we were invited. So we make Thanksgiving dinner as easy as possible. A turkey, Stove Top stuffing (because she thinks stuffing in the bird will kill us), canned asparagus, canned cranberry sauce, canned gravy, and a turnip (for her). I stuff an apple in the turkey. I don't know if that makes a change in the taste or anything, but they (whoever "they" are) say you should put something in the cavity. I think most people use lemons. The whole stuffing issue is actually a good thing for me, because I eat one helping of the Stove Top and that's it. If it was "real" stuffing, in the bird, I would eat tons of it. I even make the Stove Top with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Light. The only thing I may overindulge in is the turkey itself, and since I seldom eat enough protein, I don't have a problem with that.

Thanksgiving is mom's birthday, too. I got her a German Shepherd Rescue calendar and a pair of earrings she wanted. I ordered a couple of other things, but they didn't arrive in time. Oh well, I will save them for Christmas.

2008-11-23T22:10:00.002-05:00

It is so freakin' cold outside...like 18 degrees cold. And it's not even the end of November! I. am. not. liking. this. at. all. My lips are so chapped, not even multiple application of Carmex are helping. I am on vacation, or "staycation" according to the Urban Dictionary. Right now it's me, two cats, my laptop and my bed. All is good. Tomorrow I have to take my mother to the doctor. Tuesday I have to bring my car in for service. Wednesday I have to take my mother to the doctor. Thursday I will be slaving over Thanksgiving dinner. (Okay, I exaggerate.) At least it will be warm by the stove. I also hope to get a haircut somewhere in between. I guess vegging out yesterday and today are the extent of the relaxation I am going to get.

I'm watching "My Fair Wedding" on We. The bride is from Long Island. I'm wondering if I sound like her.

I am so sick of trying to find decent clothes. I had to return half the stuff I ordered because it was either stupid looking or just didn't fit right. Why do designers (and I use the term loosely) think fat women want to wear bizarrely cut clothing. One shirt was longer on the sides than the front or back. The sides were literally down to my ankles. Who the heck would wear that? It's not like I'm a midget or anything, but you'd have to be 7 feet tall for that to hang right. It didn't look like that in the catalog picture, that's for sure. They also assume all fat women have huge breasts. I don't. I don't even fill out a C-cup. Everything is huge on the top but fits on the bottom. UGH. Don't even get me started on pants.

Quote for the day:
"People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. "
~Author Unknown

Yippee!

2008-11-20T20:51:00.000-05:00

Yay, I got my comments back!

Endorphins make the world go 'round

2008-11-20T20:20:00.002-05:00

Exercising "with" Richard was fun! I'm so glad I did it. (I did get to show off! LOL) It proves to me that I am able to exercise, so I am definitely going to start working out again. I did have to sit a few times, but not for any longer than 2 minutes. I was actually shocked that I was able to do as much as I was. Shocked but very happy. Also, when I was done my knee didn't hurt and it wasn't stiff. It's worth exercising just to not have pain in my knee for a few hours.
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I got gas for $2.17 yesterday, and today it's down to $2.13. It's amazing that gas is now half what it was just a few months ago.
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I told my boss that I really wouldn't be able to move out of my office by tomorrow because I had too much work to do before my vacation. She said, "You have to. I have to get N in here." That is so ridiculous. N's replacement won't even be hired until January. So now I have to go in early tomorrow to finish up the bare minimum of what I need to do so that the data sheets don't get more screwed up. I also have no where to move since no one has relocated in the other office. I'm so glad I'm on vacation next week, because I have pretty much had it. No wonder V (my predecessor) was so miserable.
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I always think of all this interesting stuff to post on my blog throughout the day, then I forget about it by the time I get home. Sigh....
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Quote of the day:
One of the saddest things is that the thing a man can do for eight hours a day, day after day, is work. You can’t eat for eight hours a day, nor drink for eight hours a day, nor make love for eight hours a day. All you can do for eight hours is work.
–William Faulkner (1897-1962)

WTF?

2008-11-17T22:26:00.001-05:00

Alright, why the heck do I not have any comment link? I must have done something wrong. Not that I am expecting an avalanche of comments, but I'd like it to be a possibility....

Sweatin' with Dicky!

2008-11-17T21:46:00.006-05:00

I found out today that this week's special exercise session for our fitness program at work is participating in a Richard Simmons video on big screen TV. Somehow I doubt it will have the same impact as exercising with him in person! I hope it's one of the earlier videos, the ones I have done 10,000 times before so I can totally show off.

I need to get a new camera. I keep saying that, but now that I have this blog, I would like to post some pictures (if I can ever figure out how to do it).

Work is getting ridiculous. I have a sh*tload of stuff to catch up on before I take off next week, and now B me to take on another time consuming task. She really has no idea how much extra work I already do.

Quote of the day:
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. Since you have arrived sixth in line to RIDE MY ASS today, please take a number and WAIT YOUR TURN!

2008-11-14T23:28:00.004-05:00

This is an experiment.

It didn't work! I'll have to try this when I am more awake.

Kind of Random

2008-11-13T22:10:00.005-05:00

I met an old friend from work at the grocery store today. When we first worked together she was married. Then she got divorced and ended up with another woman. They had commitment ceremony. We had a shower for them at work (I made an awesome card, if I do say so myself!). Eventually they split and she ended up marrying a man and having a son. The reason I bring this up is because seeing her made me think about Proposition 8. I don't live in Cali, so I could not vote on this issue. I have to admit I am pretty ignorant about politics. I try to keep up on things, but it bores me. However, I don't understand how same-sex couples can be given the right to marry, and then someone decides to put it on a ballot so people can vote to take it back.
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Wish I'd Said That:
H always had super-long luxurious curly strawberry blond hair. The other day she showed up at my building with a bob. After everyone had commented on how nice it looked, D, another colleague, walked into the lobby and said,"Oh, H, did you get your hair cut?" Our secretary, C, turned around and said, "Nope, she just washed it and it shrunk."

As Bill Engvall says, "Here's your sign."
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I am so wishy-washy. I have a hard time making decisions about anything. So how can I expect to make a decision about gastric bypass. One day I'm all gung ho about going for it. Might as well, I'm never going to do this on my own, blah, blah, blah. Yet in the back of my mind is the thinking that if I have the surgery I will forever feel like a failure. I feel like if I don't do it the "right" way, the healthy way, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
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Quote of the day:
Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip.
Arnold H. Glasgow

2-Trying to get a "real life."

2008-11-12T22:05:00.005-05:00

My life is boring. I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. Oh, and I eat, of course. I have never been married, nor have I ever had a child. I still hold out hope of finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, but my biological clock has probably ticked it's last tock. I haven't had a significant relationship in forever. I briefly got involved in the "fat and gaining" culture, but it was just too bizarre for me. I would talk to guys and they would ask me if I was willing to gain more weight (I wasn't fat enough for them!?!?!?!). I told them if I gained any more weight I wouldn't be able to walk--why would I want to do that? Like I said, bizarre... I gave up on that scene very quickly.

So another goal for me to work on is finding myself a man. I stumped on this one right now, because, since I find myself repulsive, why would anyone want to be with me?

My job? I guess it's a good job. I help people. I work with mentally retarded adults. I was a teacher at a Day Treatment program for 17 years, and now I work as a QMRP at our agency's nursing home. (That basically means I am in charge of making all the i's are dotted and all the t's are crossed and everything in all of our paperwork agrees.) I miss working with the "guys" one on one, but I was really burnt out and also permanently damaged my neck and shoulders from lifting and transferring people for 20 years. I guess this is my career. Oh well, no Oscar for me!
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I ended up not going to Zumba tonight. Partly because I wasn't feeling well. I've been fighting some kind of upper respiratory thing for a week. And, I admit, because I was scared to let people see me trying to do it.

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Foot in mouth disease:

My soon-to-be-ex-office is being painted. The current paint job has a nice forest green on the bottom and a sickly yellow-green on the top. I asked the secretary who picked the current color, "because I really hate it." She replied, "I did." Anybody got some ketchup for my big fat foot?

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Random Thoughts

Is there any difference (besides price) between the Arm and Hammer Cat Litter Deodorizer and plain baking powder?

When did sweatshirts become hoodies?
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Quote of the day:

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

1-Adventures in Weight Loss

2008-11-11T20:53:00.002-05:00

I am 46 years old. I weigh approximately 450 pounds. I'm putting it out here because, until now the only people to know my real weight are me and Richard. Over the past 13 years or so I have lost and regained hundreds of pounds. When I was younger, it was so much easier. Now I have abused my body so badly that I have a hard time just getting around. Walking for more than 5 minutes is agony. I try to shop mainly in stores that have shopping carts so I have something to lean on. In the spring, I was ready to have gastric bypass surgery. My insurance company insists on jumping through hoops, so I started jumping, but I found it impossible to take it all seriously. I have lost not one pound even though I am supposed to be on a doctor-supervised diet. My diabetes is getting worse--the doctor wants me to start taking insulin, which freaks me out. I have high blood pressure. My knees seem to be disintegrating.

I do not want this blog to only be about my weight, but it's not like that can be ignored-it is the biggest part of the problem I face right now. I need a total life makeover.

In the past, I have always started a "lifestyle change" with exercise. I was easily able to jump back into exercising an hour a day. Now it is so hard. Just getting started is agony. But I am trying to get started. I went to a yoga class last night, but I could not get on the floor. Luckily, from my experiences with Richard I am able to modify exercises to my abilities. I was able to do most of the exercises, with the exception of a few poses that I could not figure out how to modify, standing or sitting. Tomorrow I am planning to go to a Zumba class. It sounds like fun, but I hope I am not humiliated. The yoga class was done in the dark, and I was behind everyone, so I didn't have to worry about anyone seeing me. I'm sure Zumba will be done with the lights on.

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Quote of the day:
Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork. ~English Proverb

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My cousin Danny was killed in Vietnam. I was too young to remember him.

I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free,
and I won't forget the ones who died,
who gave that right to me.

Thank you to all our veterans.

My first time

2008-11-10T21:52:00.000-05:00

Wow, my first post. I'm not really sure what I am doing here. I want to use this blog for so many things. First of all, my adventures in weight loss. Second, trying to get a "real life." Third, the random things that go through my head. Fourth, some place to go when I just want to say, "Are you freakin' kidding me???"

Today I went to my first ever yoga class. Because my body is in such bad shape I can't get down on the floor, so I did as much as I could standing up or sitting. I thought I was going to hate it. I only went because my company makes us do a bunch of things to keep our health insurance premiums down. But I liked it! I really liked it. I think I will go again, of my own free will!

Let's see, what else? Oh, I am sure I will be posting obnoxiously about animals. I have 2 dogs and 5 cats. I love all animals and wish I could save them all.

I really want to keep this blog going. I don't want it to be yet another thing I let fall by the wayside.

Be back soon!