Of course, the most guilty person in this regard is myself. I have hated myself for so long. It hasn't worked. Time to try something new.

An Almost Unbearable Sweetness

Unfortunately, being in the business I'm in, I attend more than a normal share of funerals. One of our consumers died last Thursday, and the funeral was this morning. Most of our consumers are not high functioning enough to really grasp the idea of death, but we do have some "guys" that do understand.

Now, I hate funerals as a rule, and have a difficult time going up to pay my respects (the reason why is a story for another day), so I usually wait until the end when everyone makes one last quick pass past the casket.

As I was waiting on line today, one of our consumers, who normally has a difficult time talking (due to aphasia), was wheeled up to the casket. "Good-bye, Vinnie," she said, "I'll see you in heaven."

Procrastinate much?

I finally planted some flowers in my outside planters. Found some cheap flowers at the local supermarket. (I guess they are trying to get rid of their stock, since summer's almost OVER.) I planted mini chrysanthemums (wow! spellcheck says that's right!) in several colors and some dahlias.

The dahlias look like this:



Better late than never!

A Sign

A sign that I have seen too many "CSI"s:

I was driving to work the other morning and I came to a stop light that is basically in the middle of a lot of woods. I was startled to see a knife laying on the ground in the middle of the road.

And immediately began looking for the body.

Strange psycho thoughts

I think I have reverse body dysmorphic disorder. People with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) are obsessed by the idea that some part of their body is ugly or deformed, when in truth it looks normal. I look in the mirror and think, eh, I don't look that bad. Yet I know from looking at other people my size that I am abnormal. It is not normal to be this fat. I flip between finding myself repulsive (more likely if I catch a glimpse of myself nekkid) and thinking I look okay (mostly when I am clothed). I think that this may, in some way, be my brain's way of conning me into thinking I really don't need to lose weight. The prescription bottles in the cabinet, of course, tell me different.

I ordered the Sweatin' to the Oldies DVDs since my videos are shot. It also has an extra DVD which I believe is about loving yourself(?). I know that I can mostly get through Sweatin' 1 and Sweatin' 2, so I'm hoping the new DVDs will inspire me.

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What a bizarre day it was last Thursday...whoever thought Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson would die on the same day. Since I grew up in the 70's for the most part, they were both an integral part of my childhood/teen years.

Farrah...rest in peace.
Michael...I hope you finally find peace.

Why I Hate "Butterfly Kisses"

I can't believe it's been so long since I have been here. Or that I left such an irrelevant post up! :-P

The last few weeks have been crazy. We had our audit at work. I was working 10 or more hours a day to prepare. It went really well and neither of the citations we received were in my area. Then last week I was sick. I was out of work for 2 days, feeling flu-ish, oh-so-tired and achy. I slept for the better part of those 2 days. I still didn't feel that great the rest of the week, but I'm okay now.

Josh went back to the vet again 2 weeks ago. His feet are better, but he is not cured. He has to go back again this weekend. He is not wearing the "funnel-head" collar any more.

I had a dream about my dad the other night. I couldn't figure out what brought it on, then I realized today that yesterday was Father's Day. It's been so long since I have had to think about Father's Day that it is off my radar. My dad died 18 years ago at the age of 57. He had cancer throughout his body. He was a lifelong smoker and and alcoholic. He also was one of those men that never went to the doctor, so we don't know where the cancer started. I had been...I guess you would call it estranged from my dad for 5 years before he died. My step mother was not a very nice woman and didn't really want me around, and my dad was not the type to stand up to her. I had decided at one point that I was not going to call him any more...if he wanted to be in contact he would have to make the effort. He never made the effort. I found out that he was dying from my aunt, who I had stayed in touch with basically through Christmas cards. I finally gave in and called him. When I called, he answered the phone and I said, "Hi, it's Laurie (that's what I was called when I was little)." And he said, "Who?" This freaked me out and I hung up on him. My mom, in one of her nicer moments where dad was concerned, calmed me down and got me to call back. I talked to him for a while. The next day my step monster called me and asked if I wanted to come visit. I decided to go, not realizing the day that I agreed to was Father's Day. We had a pretty good visit, but his brain was already affected by the cancer and he kept asking the same questions over and over again. When I was leaving, my step mother walked me out and told me they had hospice coming in and basically that he was dying. No sh*t, sherlock. I still can't believe she would have let me come visit without my knowing anything about his condition. (As you can see, I still have some issues regarding her. I am, however, grateful that she was there for him at the end and that she made him happy for the time they had together. Isn't that mature of me? :-p )

Also, showing up empty-handed on Father's Day was awkward. Whatever.

So I never resolved anything with my dad. I was such a daddy's girl, that it seems surreal that things ended up the way they did. I have had periodic dreams about him where I've been able to make peace with certain things, so I guess my unconscious mind continues to work through things.

Rating the Finales

Well, my TV watching is over for the summer. Here is a quick review of all the finales I have watched in the last few weeks.

America's Next Top Model-What an entirely boring season. I couldn't even remember most of the girl's names. I thought Allison should have won. I usually don't agree with the winner. 1 out of 5 chicks.




Biggest Loser-Woo-hoo! Way to go, Helen! Funny, I had been identifying with Tara all season (well she is from Long Island!), but Helen's only a little older than me. I did, however, read that Helen is now considered underweight. Ya just can't win! 5 out of 5 chicks.

American Idol-another yawn for me. I liked Danny and Allison. 2 out of 5 chicks.

Dancing with the Stars-Woo-hoo, again! That cute little Shawn Johnson was my choice, too. 5 out of 5 chicks

Grey's Anatomy-snooze. Don't care if George and/or Izzie die. 1 out of 5 chicks.

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I'm watching this new show called "Obsessed." It's probably not the best idea for me, since I have had many periods of OCD throughout my life. I have done the compulsive handwashing, compulsive lock checking, compulsive clock checking (making sure the alarm is set for the correct time, that it's on a.m. and not p.m., that the radio station is not fading, and that the volume is high enough, but not too high, just high enough to wake me up, but not high enough to give me a heart attack...you get the idea). I don't need any more ideas put in my head.

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I went to work today even though I had the day off because I wanted to try to get ahead, but I don't really feel like I got much accomplished. There is too much work and not enough time.

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Josh update: He went to the vet on Saturday for a follow-up, and while we were there one of his nails fell off, then the vet pulled off another one that was hanging. She shaved his feet so we could put saline on his toes. He is, shall we say, uncooperative. He's supposed to still have the funnel on his head but we are leaving it off because he doesn't seem to be licking. Heidi is so happy...she can get to his ears now!