An Almost Unbearable Sweetness

Unfortunately, being in the business I'm in, I attend more than a normal share of funerals. One of our consumers died last Thursday, and the funeral was this morning. Most of our consumers are not high functioning enough to really grasp the idea of death, but we do have some "guys" that do understand.

Now, I hate funerals as a rule, and have a difficult time going up to pay my respects (the reason why is a story for another day), so I usually wait until the end when everyone makes one last quick pass past the casket.

As I was waiting on line today, one of our consumers, who normally has a difficult time talking (due to aphasia), was wheeled up to the casket. "Good-bye, Vinnie," she said, "I'll see you in heaven."

Are YOU talkin' to ME???

Wow! Summer gave me a Super Blogger award. I am sooooo not worthy (as I said in response to her post). Thank you so much, Summer! I'm not going to send it on to other bloggers because I don't know how. Also everyone I like already has one since I am so slow to respond. I'm hoping I can figure out how to post my award.

Work is so incredibly hectic. We will be having our state audit in 2-3 weeks, so now is the time I start going insane! I know that I can get my work done if everyone would leave me alone, but no, I end up doing everyone else's work and no one helps me with mine.

Poor Josh still has a funnel head. He went back to the vet again on Saturday and had to have one of his funky nails removed. He came homw with a little blue bandage on his foot (with stars). I wonder if they have pink for girl dogs. When he went outside we had to tape a baggie to his foot. He did. not. like. it. Not one little bit. When the time finally came to take off the bandage, I had to practically sit on him and pull up on his collar like reins to get him to cooperate. Good thing he's a fat dog, so I didn't hurt him! (My neck, on the other hand, is another story!)

Richard's chat was good tonight. All the excuses. I think I've used them all. What I wanted to ask him was, what about when you DO lose weight, not all of it, but enough to feel really good, and you become complacent and cease being vigilant. It's happened to me quite a few times. How do you stay on top of things?

Quote for today:
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.~Unknown

Ms. Undastood

Warning: This may be a very whiny post.

I got in trouble at work today.

My boss called me into her office and said that I was too negative, rude, and asked me if I was passive aggressive. She then brought up all these other times that I have apparently been negative and inappropriate. What do I call the fact that she saved all this up instead of speaking to me the first time she felt this way about what I said? This was in reference to meetings with other departments in the same agency, where I felt I was being honest, not negative. I don't really remember what I said specifically, so I don't know what she construed as being negative/rude. I can be very blunt, so I can see how this might be seen as being rude to someone who doesn't really know me, but, damn, I felt so ambushed and soooooo frustrated. I tried not to be defensive, but really didn't know how to respond. I felt tears welling up, so I just concentrated on not crying. Just kept nodding. I don't know what to do now. I am going to be afraid to open my mouth. I always felt it was okay to voice my opinion, but obviously it's not.

On the plus side, I managed not to cry until I got in my car and off the property.

Spring, my ass!

So, yesterday was the first day of Spring and it snowed. At least it didn't stick. Today it was freezing again. I got myself a new Spring pocketbook, but I refuse to wear it with my winter coat!!!

I don't plant anything directly in the earth in my yard. I've always had problems with moles and they ate everything I planted or moved it around. So now every year three rogue surviving crocuses come up in different areas of the front lawn. I start looking for them a few weeks before Spring starts. So, yay, Tuesday I see the first crocus!!! I took its picture with my cell phone. And Friday it snows. Poor little crocus. It's still there but not looking too healthy. I can't wait until it's time to plant flowers in all my planters. Then I will know it's really Spring!

So, this is my blog issue. I'm on the computer so much at work that when I get home I don't want to even look at a computer any more. So I don't go on the computer for a few days. Then I realize I am going to have a ton of mail to deal with, so I don't want to go on the computer even more! 'Til finally, 2 or 3 weeks later, I say, "I've really got to go on the computer." Whereupon I spend 2 and 1/2 hours reading e-mails. And those are only the ones I consider worth reading. Out of 380 I read 102.

So, this is my issue with American Idol. The contestants have to sing songs from a different genre each week. This week was country music. I like some country music, especially Garth Brooks, but I digress. This is supposedly so the judges and the American public can see that the contestants can perform at least adequately in all genres of music. So why is it that when the contestants take a perfectly good country song and sing it in a non-country way in a non-country arangement they get the highest praise from the judges? Is a puzzlement. Maybe I am getting over reality TV.

So, this is my issue with work. I don't want to do it anymore. Most of what I have to do is such an agonizing bore that I cannot force myself to focus. I wander out of my office looking for other things to do. But if I don't do my work, no one else will. And, yes, of course, I know I am lucky to have a job. So the papers just continue to pile up on my desk, and I still need to write an annual in-service to give the week after next.

So, this is my issue with weight. Once upon a time, I lost a hundred pounds in 12 weeks, and I wasn't even on The Biggest Loser. And I didn't do it in an unhealthy way, either. I just got up one morning and it all clicked. I started exercising that very day, even though I could only manage 15 minutes, and started eating right. In about a year after that I managed to lose another 50 pounds. I was no where near goal, but felt awesome. I'm the opposite of what usually happens, I lost the weight fast and gained it back really slow. So slow that I almost didn't notice it. I'm noticing it now, and hoping for another "click," but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I'm starting to realize that it may never happen again and I will have to slog my way through kicking and screaming, and probably crying. I do remember how happy I was then, but it seems so far away...

Some Whine With My Cheese

I'm tired. I have a sore throat and a cough I cannot get rid of. I went to work today because I was afraid to stay home. I'm afraid if I call in sick they will see that they can do without me and they will "dissolve" my job. It's happening all the time. Today I found out one of the assistant manager's positions was dissolved and she is going back to being a DCC. They say no one is being laid off, but that doesn't mean no one is losing their job. I wouldn't be so scared if I wasn't so fat. If I wasn't so fat I wouldn't have to worry about being rejected for another job just because of my weight/appearance. So, feeling this way, what did I do when I got home?

Binged.

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yet I am frozen, unable to move, unable to change anything about my life. Beyond increasing my water intake, I have not been able to move forward.

We are having a Mardi Gras party at work tomorrow. I have to dig out my Mardi Gras jewelry. I will try to remember the great times I had in New Orleans on several CTLs, and have a happier day.

I am now the proud owner of...

...a Laura Silverman piece!!! (Well, I will be as soon as it gets here.) It's so gorgeous in the pictures...I can't wait to see it on my neck. It's so funny that I have really just recently started wearing necklaces. (I thought my neck was too fat to wear them. Stupid, I know.) Woo-hoo I'm gonna have a piece of art on my neck!

My boss was so annoying yesterday. She comes into my office and says, "I have to send you to the hospital today. I don't have anyone else." Now, if she had asked me nicely I would have agreed to go and felt good about it, instead I resented it. Then, 15 minutes after I got there, I was in G's hospital room and she called me on my cell phone to tell me I had to go down to the ER right away to meet another consumer who was coming in by ambulance. From all the times I have spent in the ER with my mom, I should have known there was no rush. But I did go right down, only to sit in the waiting room for an hour waiting to see him. By the time I got in to see him, it was only 10 minutes until someone came in to relieve me. So I went back to G's room and stayed for some extra time. I hate that the consumers have to be in the hospital alone. On top of all that my boss tells me that we won't be providing the agreed upon amount of hospital coverage for G because we just don't have the staff. G is a Willowbrook Class individual. This coverage, as far as I know, is mandated by law. I told her when she came in today that she had to call the Director of QA, because I really don't think we can just blatantly disregard this.
All I know is that I couldn't just let it pass, it's my responsibility to see that regulations are followed. I guess I will find out what the Director of QA has to say tomorrow.

I've decided to try eating the lunches served at work every day instead of going out or ordering out; they are healthy for the most part. Today we had pot roast that was so tough I wasn't sure I could swallow it, but I guess that helped me eat less. :-)

I have finally ordered a new camera, so soon this blog will be filled with a ridiculous amount of pictures of my animals, that is if I can figure out how to get them on here!

Long Time, No See

Once again, I can't believe how long it has been since I've been here. A lot of stuff has happened since I was here last.

We have a new president. We had an inauguration party at work. We decorated the dining room (where the big screen TV is) with red white and blue balloons, basically because staff wanted to be able to watch. But, the guys were good, and they applauded in the appropriate places. I was glad to be able to see it--it was an exciting day. Except...what was up with Aretha's hat???
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I was flabbergasted to find out that the agency I work for has named Sarah Palin as the Honoree of the Year. I honestly thought it was a joke when I first saw it on the website. I though someone had hacked into the company website and posted it. But no, it's for real. I guess because she gave birth to a baby with Down Syndrome, this suddenly makes her the patron saint of the developmentally disabled. I can't believe that this person that stands for everything I despise is being honored by the agency.
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The snow!!! Enough with the frickin' frackin' snow already! Last year we had next to no snow, this year it seems like a storm a week. And the cold! I just want to stay in my bed with my new flannel comforter and not come out until spring.
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My weight on January 30th was 451.5. The only difference I made is making sure I drink at least 2 quarts of water a day. Baby steps.
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I need to find a new doctor. I went to the doctor two weeks ago for my usual bloodwork. I knew it wouldn't be good, because I had run out of medication and I was peeing constantly. My blood sugar was high when I was there, and I had glucose in my urine. I got refills on my meds, and they added a new med which I would be trying for a month. A few days later I get a call that I have to come in to "discuss" my test results. Translated that means come in so we can charge you for another visit. Knowing that I have to go back at the end of the month since I only got one month's supply of the new med, I ignored the call. A few days ago, I called for a refill on another prescription. (It turned out that they had given me the wrong refill last time, so I took double the amount so my dosage would be correct, which meant I ran out in two weeks. I called to get the correct prescription.) I recieved a call back saying I had to come in to discuss my results and then I could have my prescription! I said, so because I can't come in right away to discuss my results I can't get my meds? That's right. I was so mad I wanted to scream! Luckily I still had a refill on the "wrong" prescription, so I was able to get that, even though I had to pay for it. I truly can't believe they tried to hold me hostage like that.

A friend of mine from my old job has liver cancer. Our insurance is giving her a hard time about her treatment. They want to put a port in her liver for chemo before they operate to remove more than half her liver, and the insurance won't cover it because it is considered "experimental surgery."

I AM NOT HAPPY WITH DOCTOR'S OR INSURANCE COMPANIES THIS WEEK!
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American Idol-we have a final 36...how long until there are 12 and I can actually start to care?

Biggest Loser-an hour for the weigh-ins? Still? Really?

Why am I watching Rock of Love Bus? It ought to make me ashamed to be female, but I just can't stop myself.
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I just read a great book called The Little Giant of Aberdeen County by Tiffany Baker. I couldn't put it down. I could never be a book reviewer, because I can't put into words why I liked it so much. I guess I just know what I like.

It's a good thing I love to read, otherwise my brain would turn to mush from my TV viewing habits.

Sigh

Once again, almost a whole week has gone by between posts. I do not even notice the time going by!

Christmas was...Christmas. Mom slept until 2 (early for her), we opened our presents, I made dinner, and that was the end of it. Nothing exciting. She got me two things I asked for; a wireless mouse for my laptop and a sound machine (it has relaxing sounds on it...ocean waves, waterfalls, etc.). She also got me a pretty necklace with some little diamonds on it. I was happy with my gifts. I still want to adopt a polar bear, though.

Normally, I would have taken the 26th off and made it a four-day weekend, but for some reason I didn't put in for it. It sucked getting up and going in on Friday, but it was a quiet day and I got a lot of work done.

I should change the name of this blog to Boring Chick Blogging.

The definition of insanity...

...is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

Like having pasta too often and not expecting to have horrid heartburn.

Last year when I went Christmas shopping for 2 of our consumers at work, I wore my big clunky lumberjack boots (because it was freezing and there was nasty, icy muck on the ground) and was in agony for 3 days afterwards, because, while they are good in ice and snow, they weigh about eleven billion pounds and have absolutely no cushioning. So spending 3 hours at Target=pain. I said to myself, "Self (that's what I call myself), do not go power shopping wearing these boots ever again." So today I have to go shopping for 2 of my consumers (1 the same, 1 different), and what is on my feet because of the nasty, icy muck on the ground? Yup, my insanity boots. Ouch, my feet hurt! My back's not feeling so great either.

I raced home like a maniac so I could make it to the post office while the lobby was still open because I am expecting a couple of packages (Christmas presents), one for my mom and one for my boss. Neither one of them arrived, dammit. I hope my boss does not give me a gift tomorrow, because I will have nothing to reciprocate.

I hate having to give gifts to people I don't like, but politically, I don't really have any choice. I did get some cute gifts for my office mates. I think they will like them.

I went to Richard's chat tonight, but I'm not sure why. I have made no attempt to do anything about my weight, and I feel like an imposter going there, even though I have not said anything to indicate otherwise. It just seems like, if you go there, you ought to be doing something about your weight, your mind, your life.

Looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead

I haven't abandoned this blog already...really I haven't. I can't believe I haven't been here in so long. I haven't been feeling well...just a draggy cold/upper respiratory kind of thing, but mostly I come home and crawl under the covers and veg in front of the t.v. because it's cold and I'm tired. I've been having problems sleeping lately, worse than usual. The problem is not the actual sleeping, it's the getting to sleep. I will toss and turn and stare at the ceiling and wonder what the lyrics to "Blind Man in the Bleachers" are for hours. Once I am asleep I have no problem staying that way. In fact it's one of my favorite things to do. But lately I've been getting maybe 5 hours of sleep at night and drinking Diet Pepsi all day at work to stay awake.

Our governer has a plan to add a lot of taxes to weird things. He is going to tax regular soda, but not diet, as kind of an obesity tax. How many fat people drink regular soda? I've always drunk (drank?) diet soda because I liked the taste better, so I have no clue if this will be an effective tax.

I am finally back in my old office at work, and I am quite happy to be there. N, who moved into my previous/temporary office, hates it. Too bad, so sad. I knew I had made a mistake moving up front the very first day I was up there, and was thrilled for an excuse to move back, especially when it made B look bad. :-)

I ventured out today in the ice and snow to go food shopping and to deliver the treats and toys to the animal shelter. As I was driving up the long, long driveway to the shelter, it was covered with ice and snow...this did not bode well. I pulled into the parking lot and opened the door to a sea of solid ice. Apparently they did not sand or anything. I was too afraid of falling, especially since I had several other errands to run (and did not want to do them with a frozen butt), so I got back in the car and left. I will have to make sure I get over there by Wednesday.

I couldn't even shovel the snow. It snowed a ton while I was at work yesterday, then it rained and sleeted throughout the night, so everything re-froze. Then it snowed again this morning. My theory is that it is better to leave the snow as it is so I have something to walk on instead of trying to navigate across sheer ice. I want to move somewhere warm. Like this:

http://www.redfin.com/CA/OAKLAND/9416-WALNUT-St-94603/home/592836

How does a blogger get "famous"?

I admit it. I'm addicted to blogs. If they ever find out how much time I spend reading blogs at work, I'll probably get fired. Seriously. I read some well-known blogs, like Pasta Queen, Dooce and Derfwad Manor, and I just wonder how a blogger gets famous. I mean, I know they have to have something to say and a unique way to say it, but what's the difference between those that click and those who just putter along without nearly enough followers. Some bloggers will post only once or twice a week, yet they are the most popular blogs on the internet. Yet some people who are fantastic writers get no attention. (I'm not talking about myself...I haven't found my blog "voice" yet.) I wonder if there's some kind of secret blog manual.

Work's still sucking. My boss couldn't be bothered to talk to the people who have to move around so I can go back to my office, so I was homeless today. I worked in my current office, but everything's packed up and it's really hard to work out of boxes. I did get some work accomplished, but less than I wanted to. (It was easier to read blogs! :-))

Endorphins make the world go 'round

Exercising "with" Richard was fun! I'm so glad I did it. (I did get to show off! LOL) It proves to me that I am able to exercise, so I am definitely going to start working out again. I did have to sit a few times, but not for any longer than 2 minutes. I was actually shocked that I was able to do as much as I was. Shocked but very happy. Also, when I was done my knee didn't hurt and it wasn't stiff. It's worth exercising just to not have pain in my knee for a few hours.
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I got gas for $2.17 yesterday, and today it's down to $2.13. It's amazing that gas is now half what it was just a few months ago.
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I told my boss that I really wouldn't be able to move out of my office by tomorrow because I had too much work to do before my vacation. She said, "You have to. I have to get N in here." That is so ridiculous. N's replacement won't even be hired until January. So now I have to go in early tomorrow to finish up the bare minimum of what I need to do so that the data sheets don't get more screwed up. I also have no where to move since no one has relocated in the other office. I'm so glad I'm on vacation next week, because I have pretty much had it. No wonder V (my predecessor) was so miserable.
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I always think of all this interesting stuff to post on my blog throughout the day, then I forget about it by the time I get home. Sigh....
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Quote of the day:
One of the saddest things is that the thing a man can do for eight hours a day, day after day, is work. You can’t eat for eight hours a day, nor drink for eight hours a day, nor make love for eight hours a day. All you can do for eight hours is work.
–William Faulkner (1897-1962)

Sweatin' with Dicky!

I found out today that this week's special exercise session for our fitness program at work is participating in a Richard Simmons video on big screen TV. Somehow I doubt it will have the same impact as exercising with him in person! I hope it's one of the earlier videos, the ones I have done 10,000 times before so I can totally show off.

I need to get a new camera. I keep saying that, but now that I have this blog, I would like to post some pictures (if I can ever figure out how to do it).

Work is getting ridiculous. I have a sh*tload of stuff to catch up on before I take off next week, and now B me to take on another time consuming task. She really has no idea how much extra work I already do.

Quote of the day:
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. Since you have arrived sixth in line to RIDE MY ASS today, please take a number and WAIT YOUR TURN!