Strange psycho thoughts

I think I have reverse body dysmorphic disorder. People with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) are obsessed by the idea that some part of their body is ugly or deformed, when in truth it looks normal. I look in the mirror and think, eh, I don't look that bad. Yet I know from looking at other people my size that I am abnormal. It is not normal to be this fat. I flip between finding myself repulsive (more likely if I catch a glimpse of myself nekkid) and thinking I look okay (mostly when I am clothed). I think that this may, in some way, be my brain's way of conning me into thinking I really don't need to lose weight. The prescription bottles in the cabinet, of course, tell me different.

I ordered the Sweatin' to the Oldies DVDs since my videos are shot. It also has an extra DVD which I believe is about loving yourself(?). I know that I can mostly get through Sweatin' 1 and Sweatin' 2, so I'm hoping the new DVDs will inspire me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What a bizarre day it was last Thursday...whoever thought Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson would die on the same day. Since I grew up in the 70's for the most part, they were both an integral part of my childhood/teen years.

Farrah...rest in peace.
Michael...I hope you finally find peace.

Why I Hate "Butterfly Kisses"

I can't believe it's been so long since I have been here. Or that I left such an irrelevant post up! :-P

The last few weeks have been crazy. We had our audit at work. I was working 10 or more hours a day to prepare. It went really well and neither of the citations we received were in my area. Then last week I was sick. I was out of work for 2 days, feeling flu-ish, oh-so-tired and achy. I slept for the better part of those 2 days. I still didn't feel that great the rest of the week, but I'm okay now.

Josh went back to the vet again 2 weeks ago. His feet are better, but he is not cured. He has to go back again this weekend. He is not wearing the "funnel-head" collar any more.

I had a dream about my dad the other night. I couldn't figure out what brought it on, then I realized today that yesterday was Father's Day. It's been so long since I have had to think about Father's Day that it is off my radar. My dad died 18 years ago at the age of 57. He had cancer throughout his body. He was a lifelong smoker and and alcoholic. He also was one of those men that never went to the doctor, so we don't know where the cancer started. I had been...I guess you would call it estranged from my dad for 5 years before he died. My step mother was not a very nice woman and didn't really want me around, and my dad was not the type to stand up to her. I had decided at one point that I was not going to call him any more...if he wanted to be in contact he would have to make the effort. He never made the effort. I found out that he was dying from my aunt, who I had stayed in touch with basically through Christmas cards. I finally gave in and called him. When I called, he answered the phone and I said, "Hi, it's Laurie (that's what I was called when I was little)." And he said, "Who?" This freaked me out and I hung up on him. My mom, in one of her nicer moments where dad was concerned, calmed me down and got me to call back. I talked to him for a while. The next day my step monster called me and asked if I wanted to come visit. I decided to go, not realizing the day that I agreed to was Father's Day. We had a pretty good visit, but his brain was already affected by the cancer and he kept asking the same questions over and over again. When I was leaving, my step mother walked me out and told me they had hospice coming in and basically that he was dying. No sh*t, sherlock. I still can't believe she would have let me come visit without my knowing anything about his condition. (As you can see, I still have some issues regarding her. I am, however, grateful that she was there for him at the end and that she made him happy for the time they had together. Isn't that mature of me? :-p )

Also, showing up empty-handed on Father's Day was awkward. Whatever.

So I never resolved anything with my dad. I was such a daddy's girl, that it seems surreal that things ended up the way they did. I have had periodic dreams about him where I've been able to make peace with certain things, so I guess my unconscious mind continues to work through things.

Rating the Finales

Well, my TV watching is over for the summer. Here is a quick review of all the finales I have watched in the last few weeks.

America's Next Top Model-What an entirely boring season. I couldn't even remember most of the girl's names. I thought Allison should have won. I usually don't agree with the winner. 1 out of 5 chicks.




Biggest Loser-Woo-hoo! Way to go, Helen! Funny, I had been identifying with Tara all season (well she is from Long Island!), but Helen's only a little older than me. I did, however, read that Helen is now considered underweight. Ya just can't win! 5 out of 5 chicks.

American Idol-another yawn for me. I liked Danny and Allison. 2 out of 5 chicks.

Dancing with the Stars-Woo-hoo, again! That cute little Shawn Johnson was my choice, too. 5 out of 5 chicks

Grey's Anatomy-snooze. Don't care if George and/or Izzie die. 1 out of 5 chicks.

~~~~~~~~~~
I'm watching this new show called "Obsessed." It's probably not the best idea for me, since I have had many periods of OCD throughout my life. I have done the compulsive handwashing, compulsive lock checking, compulsive clock checking (making sure the alarm is set for the correct time, that it's on a.m. and not p.m., that the radio station is not fading, and that the volume is high enough, but not too high, just high enough to wake me up, but not high enough to give me a heart attack...you get the idea). I don't need any more ideas put in my head.

~~~~~~~~~~
I went to work today even though I had the day off because I wanted to try to get ahead, but I don't really feel like I got much accomplished. There is too much work and not enough time.

~~~~~~~~~~
Josh update: He went to the vet on Saturday for a follow-up, and while we were there one of his nails fell off, then the vet pulled off another one that was hanging. She shaved his feet so we could put saline on his toes. He is, shall we say, uncooperative. He's supposed to still have the funnel on his head but we are leaving it off because he doesn't seem to be licking. Heidi is so happy...she can get to his ears now!

Prejudiced

Ang at Getting Fit After Forty posted today about her social experiment to see the different ways people treated her if she wore makeup and nicer clothes.

I wear makeup and dress as well as I can and do my hair every day. The reason I do this is because I'm prejudiced. Prejudiced against my fellow fat people. I cannot stand it when I see someone out in public, or, even worse, at work, dressed like a slob. I feel like these are the people that give fat people a bad name. It looks as if they've given up, and they might as well have "abuse me" signs taped to their backs.

It really is all about how you present yourself. I always try to walk tall with my head up, and I don't see or hear people making fun of me. I have noticed, though, that, on occasion, if I am really tired and not paying attention to how I am walking or moving, there tends to be more pointing or snickering.

I know some would say that the people who don't bother suffer from low self-esteem, but I don't consider myself to have great self-esteem. Most of the time I don't even like myself. But there has got to be something more that makes people just give up.

I. Will. Never. Give. Up.

Quote for the day:
"There are so many wonderful things in life to be afraid of, if you just learn how scary they are."~borrowed from a friend on Facebook

Are YOU talkin' to ME???

Wow! Summer gave me a Super Blogger award. I am sooooo not worthy (as I said in response to her post). Thank you so much, Summer! I'm not going to send it on to other bloggers because I don't know how. Also everyone I like already has one since I am so slow to respond. I'm hoping I can figure out how to post my award.

Work is so incredibly hectic. We will be having our state audit in 2-3 weeks, so now is the time I start going insane! I know that I can get my work done if everyone would leave me alone, but no, I end up doing everyone else's work and no one helps me with mine.

Poor Josh still has a funnel head. He went back to the vet again on Saturday and had to have one of his funky nails removed. He came homw with a little blue bandage on his foot (with stars). I wonder if they have pink for girl dogs. When he went outside we had to tape a baggie to his foot. He did. not. like. it. Not one little bit. When the time finally came to take off the bandage, I had to practically sit on him and pull up on his collar like reins to get him to cooperate. Good thing he's a fat dog, so I didn't hurt him! (My neck, on the other hand, is another story!)

Richard's chat was good tonight. All the excuses. I think I've used them all. What I wanted to ask him was, what about when you DO lose weight, not all of it, but enough to feel really good, and you become complacent and cease being vigilant. It's happened to me quite a few times. How do you stay on top of things?

Quote for today:
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.~Unknown

April Showers bring May flowers; what do May flowers bring?

When I was watching the Biggest Loser, I had no sympathy for Max, brother of contestant Mike/son of contestant Ron. But, I was reading an article about the contestants the other day, and I read that Max is only 17 years old. That certainly explains a lot. I assume he's still in high school and probably harrassed every day. His jealousy of his brother's success makes so much more sense now that I see they are only a year apart. I commented on someone's post about this, although I can't remember whose, but my opinion of the kid has certainly changed, even though I still think he should have given his dad and brother their props.

I am feeling like a big failure right now myself. I swore I would get back on track with exercising this week during the cybercruise, but I haven't done a damn thing yet. What the heck is wrong with me???

Poor Josh...still a funnel-headed dog. Turns out my mother did not give him the right amount of antibiotic, so he's got to wear the elizabethan collar for at least another week and a half. He just keeps giving us the sad puppy eyes.

Quote for the day:
"The world's favorite season is the spring. All things seem possible in May."
-- Edwin Way Teale

Addiction

I have an addictive personality. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother was a binge eater. I am a compulsive overeater. But that's not the kind of addiction I am talking about today.

I want to come clean about my other addictions.

I am addicted to Etsy.
I blame it on Laura S. Before she actually had an Etsy store, she had a section on her home page that said something like "Check out my Etsy shop." Shop??? I went to look for her shop but of course could not find it. But Etsy...wow is that my kind of place. Millions of one of a kind items. The coolest jewelry ever.
All Laura's fault. :-D

I am addicted to tweezing. I am obsessed abou my eyebrows to the point that I now have half brows. This must stop before I look like like Whoopi.

I am addicted to magazines. I subscribe to TVGuide, Entertainment Weekly, O, Ladies' Home Journal, Reader's Digest, and People, yet every time I go to the supermarket, I seem to bring another home another one. Even though I know I am unnecessarily killing trees, I can't seem to stop myself.

I am also addicted to: reality television, reading, Facebook (that's a new one), blogs, and makeup.

One thing I used to be addicted to, and am hoping to pick up this addiction again:
EXERCISE!!! I vow to start exercising again, even if it's only 10 minutes at a time, while participating in the cybercruise.

Quotes for the day:
"Good habits are as addictive as bad habits, and a lot more rewarding." Harvey McKay

“We may think there is willpower involved, but more likely… change is due to want power. Wanting the new addiction more than the old one. Wanting the new me in preference to the person I am now.” George Sheehan