Sunday, April 12, 2009

Sabotage/Flabotage

Summer over at Mommy Needs Coffee wrote a great post about how we sabotage ourselves in our weight loss journey. I started to reply in her comments, but I then I thought it would be a good subject to blog about myself.

I have sabotaged myself so many times. In 1994 I lost a hundred pounds. I didn't see any difference in the mirror for the longest time. It took seeing pictures of myself that were unrecognizable to realize how far I had come. My best friend at the time took one look at a picture of me on a field trip with my class and blurted out, "Wow, you look normal!" And she was right, I did. Even though I was still over a hundred pounds from goal, I looked really good. I managed to lose a bit more weight before my first Cruise to Lose in 1995, but once that was over, I slowly began to gain the weight back. By the time I went on my next cruise in 1996 I had gained about 30 pounds back. It seems that whenever people start complimenting me and paying attention to my weight loss, I sabotage myself. I lost between 80 and 100 pounds several more times, only to shoot myself down again.

There is definitely some kind of fear there...but fear of what? Why am I afraid of losing weight and being healthy? Is part of it fear of disappointing people who believe in me? I do think that part of it is that when I was very young, like 12 to 14 years old, I looked older than I was (and I was quite thin at the time) and I received a lot of confusing, scary, and inappropriate attention from men.

My mom was a fat kid who got teased a lot, and she was determined that I not be fat. She had me on diets from the time I was seven. When I look back at the pictures I wasn't a fat kid. She will say this is because she controlled what I ate. I don't blame her anymore. She was doing what she thought was best for me. Although I do think that in the past a lot of my eating was rebellious, I can't blame it on that any more. In one of Geneen Roth's books, she says, in essence, "I will never have a happy childhood." It's time to get over that and get on with my life. I was beaten as a kid, but I long ago forgave my father for that, and he has been gone for almost 18 years, so there's no need for fear there.

But yet, still the fear persists. I wonder if I will ever understand the fear or if I will just have to combat it for the rest of my life.

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After what happened at work on Thursday, I feel my days there are numbered. I need to prepare myself for finding another job, and one of the first parts of that, for me, is getting some weight off so I feel more comfortable and more confident about meeting new people. I know they will keep me around at least until June, because that is when our audit will be, so I have a couple of months to get a good start on making the lifestyle changes I need to make.

4 comments:

jo said...

I understand this. In 2002 I lost 72 pounds, got to 192, and I was very uncomfortable with my body. I liked how I felt, but I didn't want anyone looking at me.

It's strange, and it scares me...what if that happens again.

Ang said...

((((Laura)))
I think it's an internal battle we constantly fight with ourselves.

Summer said...

:) I wonder if we will ever know. Maybe that is the biggest part of our journey - finding out what it is we are afraid of. Just starting that part of the journey is scary but it looks like it will be necessary.

jo said...

Hi! My user name at the clubhouse is....very original, get this...

_Jo_

lol

Where do you hang out there?