Sigh

Once again, almost a whole week has gone by between posts. I do not even notice the time going by!

Christmas was...Christmas. Mom slept until 2 (early for her), we opened our presents, I made dinner, and that was the end of it. Nothing exciting. She got me two things I asked for; a wireless mouse for my laptop and a sound machine (it has relaxing sounds on it...ocean waves, waterfalls, etc.). She also got me a pretty necklace with some little diamonds on it. I was happy with my gifts. I still want to adopt a polar bear, though.

Normally, I would have taken the 26th off and made it a four-day weekend, but for some reason I didn't put in for it. It sucked getting up and going in on Friday, but it was a quiet day and I got a lot of work done.

I should change the name of this blog to Boring Chick Blogging.

Busy, busy, busy

I don't understand how, when it's just me and my mother, Christmas still ends up being so busy. Today at work we finished the boxes for the staff and started handing them out. The consumers performed their Christmas pageant, which was adorable...wish I was allowed to post pictures! We had a cookie exchange (I don't wanna talk about it :-p). We had a special holiday lunch prepared by the dietary staff. Somewhere in there I did a bit of work, flew out the door at 4, came home and got my mother because she wanted me to take her Christmas shopping (for me). We also finally delivered our donations to the animal shelter, visited the kitties and the dogs, and saw the cutest puppy (which we are NOT getting). Then we went to a couple of stores. I had to get a last minute gift for my boss, since what I ordered STILL didn't come, so I ran into my favorite little gift shop, only to find they are closing. I did find a nice gift, but I am bummed they are closing since they were my go-to place when I was looking for a unique gift. Then we had to go food shopping. I really should run to Walmart tomorrow, because I forgot something I wanted to get my mother, but I'm not sure I can face Walmart on Christmas Eve.

Anyway, I hope this works. I want to put one of my favorite Christmas songs on here.

The definition of insanity...

...is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

Like having pasta too often and not expecting to have horrid heartburn.

Last year when I went Christmas shopping for 2 of our consumers at work, I wore my big clunky lumberjack boots (because it was freezing and there was nasty, icy muck on the ground) and was in agony for 3 days afterwards, because, while they are good in ice and snow, they weigh about eleven billion pounds and have absolutely no cushioning. So spending 3 hours at Target=pain. I said to myself, "Self (that's what I call myself), do not go power shopping wearing these boots ever again." So today I have to go shopping for 2 of my consumers (1 the same, 1 different), and what is on my feet because of the nasty, icy muck on the ground? Yup, my insanity boots. Ouch, my feet hurt! My back's not feeling so great either.

I raced home like a maniac so I could make it to the post office while the lobby was still open because I am expecting a couple of packages (Christmas presents), one for my mom and one for my boss. Neither one of them arrived, dammit. I hope my boss does not give me a gift tomorrow, because I will have nothing to reciprocate.

I hate having to give gifts to people I don't like, but politically, I don't really have any choice. I did get some cute gifts for my office mates. I think they will like them.

I went to Richard's chat tonight, but I'm not sure why. I have made no attempt to do anything about my weight, and I feel like an imposter going there, even though I have not said anything to indicate otherwise. It just seems like, if you go there, you ought to be doing something about your weight, your mind, your life.

Looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead

I haven't abandoned this blog already...really I haven't. I can't believe I haven't been here in so long. I haven't been feeling well...just a draggy cold/upper respiratory kind of thing, but mostly I come home and crawl under the covers and veg in front of the t.v. because it's cold and I'm tired. I've been having problems sleeping lately, worse than usual. The problem is not the actual sleeping, it's the getting to sleep. I will toss and turn and stare at the ceiling and wonder what the lyrics to "Blind Man in the Bleachers" are for hours. Once I am asleep I have no problem staying that way. In fact it's one of my favorite things to do. But lately I've been getting maybe 5 hours of sleep at night and drinking Diet Pepsi all day at work to stay awake.

Our governer has a plan to add a lot of taxes to weird things. He is going to tax regular soda, but not diet, as kind of an obesity tax. How many fat people drink regular soda? I've always drunk (drank?) diet soda because I liked the taste better, so I have no clue if this will be an effective tax.

I am finally back in my old office at work, and I am quite happy to be there. N, who moved into my previous/temporary office, hates it. Too bad, so sad. I knew I had made a mistake moving up front the very first day I was up there, and was thrilled for an excuse to move back, especially when it made B look bad. :-)

I ventured out today in the ice and snow to go food shopping and to deliver the treats and toys to the animal shelter. As I was driving up the long, long driveway to the shelter, it was covered with ice and snow...this did not bode well. I pulled into the parking lot and opened the door to a sea of solid ice. Apparently they did not sand or anything. I was too afraid of falling, especially since I had several other errands to run (and did not want to do them with a frozen butt), so I got back in the car and left. I will have to make sure I get over there by Wednesday.

I couldn't even shovel the snow. It snowed a ton while I was at work yesterday, then it rained and sleeted throughout the night, so everything re-froze. Then it snowed again this morning. My theory is that it is better to leave the snow as it is so I have something to walk on instead of trying to navigate across sheer ice. I want to move somewhere warm. Like this:

http://www.redfin.com/CA/OAKLAND/9416-WALNUT-St-94603/home/592836

I'm going to work to rest after this weekend!

Oy, what a weekend. I get home from work on Friday totally exhausted and wanting a nap. Instead I took a nice relaxing trip to the Emergency vet. Sarah got out of the bedroom...and Josh got Sarah. I had to literally pick him up by the fur to get him off of her. Lifting a frenzied 95 pound dog wreaked havoc on my already bad neck and shoulders. We put Sarah on the floor and she was walking funny, like her right rear leg wouldn't hold up. So, off to the vet. She doesn't seem to have any broken bones, probably just soft tissue damage. Got 2 shots for pain and inflammation, and came home on antibiotics. Didn't get home until almost 10pm. The only good thing about this is that I could see that Heidi is not going to attack the cats. She did get all excited, but did not try to join in on the action. Saturday I had to take mom to the optometrist and then took her shopping. Went to Walmart, where I always get to haul tons of heavy stuff, 20 pound bags of dog food, 20 pound jugs of cat litter, etc. I bought a bunch of stuff to donate to the pound for the poor furry ones in jail...treats and toys. Took her a few more places, then went food shopping. Finally remembered I was supposed to pick up some candy for the boxes wer are making for the staff at work (candy cane tootsie roll pops...the only thing I could find that would not tempt me!) Got home after dark. Tried to take a nap (is there a theme here???) but Sarah was planted in the middle of my bed and I didn't want to disturb her. Today I had to do the usual laundry and chores, plus start decorating for Christmas. When I pulled out the furniture, I could not believe the amount of dust and dirt. Ended up doing a lot of heavy duty cleaning. Found out half the window lights don't work, so will have to go buy new ones and put them up tomorrow. Sarah is feeling much better today. Jumping off the bed to the floor instead of using the box I put out for her as a step. Didn't even try for a nap today.

Maybe I can take a nap at work.

Will I ever be enough?

When I was a kid, I never felt like I was enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, and definitely not thin enough. My mother had me on diets from the time I was seven. I cheated on diets from the time I was 7. I never felt like I was anyone's favorite. I have never known anyone who preferred my company over everyone else's. I have always felt...inadequate. I could never sustain a relationship with a man because I wondered why he couldn't do better than me. My life now is so small. The bigger I get, the smaller my life gets. I go to work, go home, go sleep, get up, and start the whole thing all over again. I never do anything at night or on the weekends, not even go to the movies. I wonder if anyone would even notice if I ceased to exist, or rather if they would notice anything other than that I wasn't there to do things for them. If I gain enough weight, will I disappear?

How does a blogger get "famous"?

I admit it. I'm addicted to blogs. If they ever find out how much time I spend reading blogs at work, I'll probably get fired. Seriously. I read some well-known blogs, like Pasta Queen, Dooce and Derfwad Manor, and I just wonder how a blogger gets famous. I mean, I know they have to have something to say and a unique way to say it, but what's the difference between those that click and those who just putter along without nearly enough followers. Some bloggers will post only once or twice a week, yet they are the most popular blogs on the internet. Yet some people who are fantastic writers get no attention. (I'm not talking about myself...I haven't found my blog "voice" yet.) I wonder if there's some kind of secret blog manual.

Work's still sucking. My boss couldn't be bothered to talk to the people who have to move around so I can go back to my office, so I was homeless today. I worked in my current office, but everything's packed up and it's really hard to work out of boxes. I did get some work accomplished, but less than I wanted to. (It was easier to read blogs! :-))

Thanksgiving in a can

It's only me and mom for Thanksgiving. We haven't had company since Jan and the girls moved away. We don't have any family to go to, nor really any friends, not that she would go anywhere even if we were invited. So we make Thanksgiving dinner as easy as possible. A turkey, Stove Top stuffing (because she thinks stuffing in the bird will kill us), canned asparagus, canned cranberry sauce, canned gravy, and a turnip (for her). I stuff an apple in the turkey. I don't know if that makes a change in the taste or anything, but they (whoever "they" are) say you should put something in the cavity. I think most people use lemons. The whole stuffing issue is actually a good thing for me, because I eat one helping of the Stove Top and that's it. If it was "real" stuffing, in the bird, I would eat tons of it. I even make the Stove Top with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Light. The only thing I may overindulge in is the turkey itself, and since I seldom eat enough protein, I don't have a problem with that.

Thanksgiving is mom's birthday, too. I got her a German Shepherd Rescue calendar and a pair of earrings she wanted. I ordered a couple of other things, but they didn't arrive in time. Oh well, I will save them for Christmas.

It is so freakin' cold outside...like 18 degrees cold. And it's not even the end of November! I. am. not. liking. this. at. all. My lips are so chapped, not even multiple application of Carmex are helping. I am on vacation, or "staycation" according to the Urban Dictionary. Right now it's me, two cats, my laptop and my bed. All is good. Tomorrow I have to take my mother to the doctor. Tuesday I have to bring my car in for service. Wednesday I have to take my mother to the doctor. Thursday I will be slaving over Thanksgiving dinner. (Okay, I exaggerate.) At least it will be warm by the stove. I also hope to get a haircut somewhere in between. I guess vegging out yesterday and today are the extent of the relaxation I am going to get.

I'm watching "My Fair Wedding" on We. The bride is from Long Island. I'm wondering if I sound like her.

I am so sick of trying to find decent clothes. I had to return half the stuff I ordered because it was either stupid looking or just didn't fit right. Why do designers (and I use the term loosely) think fat women want to wear bizarrely cut clothing. One shirt was longer on the sides than the front or back. The sides were literally down to my ankles. Who the heck would wear that? It's not like I'm a midget or anything, but you'd have to be 7 feet tall for that to hang right. It didn't look like that in the catalog picture, that's for sure. They also assume all fat women have huge breasts. I don't. I don't even fill out a C-cup. Everything is huge on the top but fits on the bottom. UGH. Don't even get me started on pants.

Quote for the day:
"People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. "
~Author Unknown

Yippee!

Yay, I got my comments back!

Endorphins make the world go 'round

Exercising "with" Richard was fun! I'm so glad I did it. (I did get to show off! LOL) It proves to me that I am able to exercise, so I am definitely going to start working out again. I did have to sit a few times, but not for any longer than 2 minutes. I was actually shocked that I was able to do as much as I was. Shocked but very happy. Also, when I was done my knee didn't hurt and it wasn't stiff. It's worth exercising just to not have pain in my knee for a few hours.
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I got gas for $2.17 yesterday, and today it's down to $2.13. It's amazing that gas is now half what it was just a few months ago.
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I told my boss that I really wouldn't be able to move out of my office by tomorrow because I had too much work to do before my vacation. She said, "You have to. I have to get N in here." That is so ridiculous. N's replacement won't even be hired until January. So now I have to go in early tomorrow to finish up the bare minimum of what I need to do so that the data sheets don't get more screwed up. I also have no where to move since no one has relocated in the other office. I'm so glad I'm on vacation next week, because I have pretty much had it. No wonder V (my predecessor) was so miserable.
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I always think of all this interesting stuff to post on my blog throughout the day, then I forget about it by the time I get home. Sigh....
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Quote of the day:
One of the saddest things is that the thing a man can do for eight hours a day, day after day, is work. You can’t eat for eight hours a day, nor drink for eight hours a day, nor make love for eight hours a day. All you can do for eight hours is work.
–William Faulkner (1897-1962)

WTF?

Alright, why the heck do I not have any comment link? I must have done something wrong. Not that I am expecting an avalanche of comments, but I'd like it to be a possibility....

Sweatin' with Dicky!

I found out today that this week's special exercise session for our fitness program at work is participating in a Richard Simmons video on big screen TV. Somehow I doubt it will have the same impact as exercising with him in person! I hope it's one of the earlier videos, the ones I have done 10,000 times before so I can totally show off.

I need to get a new camera. I keep saying that, but now that I have this blog, I would like to post some pictures (if I can ever figure out how to do it).

Work is getting ridiculous. I have a sh*tload of stuff to catch up on before I take off next week, and now B me to take on another time consuming task. She really has no idea how much extra work I already do.

Quote of the day:
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. Since you have arrived sixth in line to RIDE MY ASS today, please take a number and WAIT YOUR TURN!

This is an experiment.

It didn't work! I'll have to try this when I am more awake.

Kind of Random

I met an old friend from work at the grocery store today. When we first worked together she was married. Then she got divorced and ended up with another woman. They had commitment ceremony. We had a shower for them at work (I made an awesome card, if I do say so myself!). Eventually they split and she ended up marrying a man and having a son. The reason I bring this up is because seeing her made me think about Proposition 8. I don't live in Cali, so I could not vote on this issue. I have to admit I am pretty ignorant about politics. I try to keep up on things, but it bores me. However, I don't understand how same-sex couples can be given the right to marry, and then someone decides to put it on a ballot so people can vote to take it back.
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Wish I'd Said That:
H always had super-long luxurious curly strawberry blond hair. The other day she showed up at my building with a bob. After everyone had commented on how nice it looked, D, another colleague, walked into the lobby and said,"Oh, H, did you get your hair cut?" Our secretary, C, turned around and said, "Nope, she just washed it and it shrunk."

As Bill Engvall says, "Here's your sign."
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I am so wishy-washy. I have a hard time making decisions about anything. So how can I expect to make a decision about gastric bypass. One day I'm all gung ho about going for it. Might as well, I'm never going to do this on my own, blah, blah, blah. Yet in the back of my mind is the thinking that if I have the surgery I will forever feel like a failure. I feel like if I don't do it the "right" way, the healthy way, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
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Quote of the day:
Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip.
Arnold H. Glasgow

2-Trying to get a "real life."

My life is boring. I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. Oh, and I eat, of course. I have never been married, nor have I ever had a child. I still hold out hope of finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, but my biological clock has probably ticked it's last tock. I haven't had a significant relationship in forever. I briefly got involved in the "fat and gaining" culture, but it was just too bizarre for me. I would talk to guys and they would ask me if I was willing to gain more weight (I wasn't fat enough for them!?!?!?!). I told them if I gained any more weight I wouldn't be able to walk--why would I want to do that? Like I said, bizarre... I gave up on that scene very quickly.

So another goal for me to work on is finding myself a man. I stumped on this one right now, because, since I find myself repulsive, why would anyone want to be with me?

My job? I guess it's a good job. I help people. I work with mentally retarded adults. I was a teacher at a Day Treatment program for 17 years, and now I work as a QMRP at our agency's nursing home. (That basically means I am in charge of making all the i's are dotted and all the t's are crossed and everything in all of our paperwork agrees.) I miss working with the "guys" one on one, but I was really burnt out and also permanently damaged my neck and shoulders from lifting and transferring people for 20 years. I guess this is my career. Oh well, no Oscar for me!
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I ended up not going to Zumba tonight. Partly because I wasn't feeling well. I've been fighting some kind of upper respiratory thing for a week. And, I admit, because I was scared to let people see me trying to do it.

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Foot in mouth disease:

My soon-to-be-ex-office is being painted. The current paint job has a nice forest green on the bottom and a sickly yellow-green on the top. I asked the secretary who picked the current color, "because I really hate it." She replied, "I did." Anybody got some ketchup for my big fat foot?

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Random Thoughts

Is there any difference (besides price) between the Arm and Hammer Cat Litter Deodorizer and plain baking powder?

When did sweatshirts become hoodies?
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Quote of the day:

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

1-Adventures in Weight Loss

I am 46 years old. I weigh approximately 450 pounds. I'm putting it out here because, until now the only people to know my real weight are me and Richard. Over the past 13 years or so I have lost and regained hundreds of pounds. When I was younger, it was so much easier. Now I have abused my body so badly that I have a hard time just getting around. Walking for more than 5 minutes is agony. I try to shop mainly in stores that have shopping carts so I have something to lean on. In the spring, I was ready to have gastric bypass surgery. My insurance company insists on jumping through hoops, so I started jumping, but I found it impossible to take it all seriously. I have lost not one pound even though I am supposed to be on a doctor-supervised diet. My diabetes is getting worse--the doctor wants me to start taking insulin, which freaks me out. I have high blood pressure. My knees seem to be disintegrating.

I do not want this blog to only be about my weight, but it's not like that can be ignored-it is the biggest part of the problem I face right now. I need a total life makeover.

In the past, I have always started a "lifestyle change" with exercise. I was easily able to jump back into exercising an hour a day. Now it is so hard. Just getting started is agony. But I am trying to get started. I went to a yoga class last night, but I could not get on the floor. Luckily, from my experiences with Richard I am able to modify exercises to my abilities. I was able to do most of the exercises, with the exception of a few poses that I could not figure out how to modify, standing or sitting. Tomorrow I am planning to go to a Zumba class. It sounds like fun, but I hope I am not humiliated. The yoga class was done in the dark, and I was behind everyone, so I didn't have to worry about anyone seeing me. I'm sure Zumba will be done with the lights on.

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Quote of the day:
Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork. ~English Proverb

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My cousin Danny was killed in Vietnam. I was too young to remember him.

I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free,
and I won't forget the ones who died,
who gave that right to me.

Thank you to all our veterans.

My first time

Wow, my first post. I'm not really sure what I am doing here. I want to use this blog for so many things. First of all, my adventures in weight loss. Second, trying to get a "real life." Third, the random things that go through my head. Fourth, some place to go when I just want to say, "Are you freakin' kidding me???"

Today I went to my first ever yoga class. Because my body is in such bad shape I can't get down on the floor, so I did as much as I could standing up or sitting. I thought I was going to hate it. I only went because my company makes us do a bunch of things to keep our health insurance premiums down. But I liked it! I really liked it. I think I will go again, of my own free will!

Let's see, what else? Oh, I am sure I will be posting obnoxiously about animals. I have 2 dogs and 5 cats. I love all animals and wish I could save them all.

I really want to keep this blog going. I don't want it to be yet another thing I let fall by the wayside.

Be back soon!