Monday, June 22, 2009

Why I Hate "Butterfly Kisses"

I can't believe it's been so long since I have been here. Or that I left such an irrelevant post up! :-P

The last few weeks have been crazy. We had our audit at work. I was working 10 or more hours a day to prepare. It went really well and neither of the citations we received were in my area. Then last week I was sick. I was out of work for 2 days, feeling flu-ish, oh-so-tired and achy. I slept for the better part of those 2 days. I still didn't feel that great the rest of the week, but I'm okay now.

Josh went back to the vet again 2 weeks ago. His feet are better, but he is not cured. He has to go back again this weekend. He is not wearing the "funnel-head" collar any more.

I had a dream about my dad the other night. I couldn't figure out what brought it on, then I realized today that yesterday was Father's Day. It's been so long since I have had to think about Father's Day that it is off my radar. My dad died 18 years ago at the age of 57. He had cancer throughout his body. He was a lifelong smoker and and alcoholic. He also was one of those men that never went to the doctor, so we don't know where the cancer started. I had been...I guess you would call it estranged from my dad for 5 years before he died. My step mother was not a very nice woman and didn't really want me around, and my dad was not the type to stand up to her. I had decided at one point that I was not going to call him any more...if he wanted to be in contact he would have to make the effort. He never made the effort. I found out that he was dying from my aunt, who I had stayed in touch with basically through Christmas cards. I finally gave in and called him. When I called, he answered the phone and I said, "Hi, it's Laurie (that's what I was called when I was little)." And he said, "Who?" This freaked me out and I hung up on him. My mom, in one of her nicer moments where dad was concerned, calmed me down and got me to call back. I talked to him for a while. The next day my step monster called me and asked if I wanted to come visit. I decided to go, not realizing the day that I agreed to was Father's Day. We had a pretty good visit, but his brain was already affected by the cancer and he kept asking the same questions over and over again. When I was leaving, my step mother walked me out and told me they had hospice coming in and basically that he was dying. No sh*t, sherlock. I still can't believe she would have let me come visit without my knowing anything about his condition. (As you can see, I still have some issues regarding her. I am, however, grateful that she was there for him at the end and that she made him happy for the time they had together. Isn't that mature of me? :-p )

Also, showing up empty-handed on Father's Day was awkward. Whatever.

So I never resolved anything with my dad. I was such a daddy's girl, that it seems surreal that things ended up the way they did. I have had periodic dreams about him where I've been able to make peace with certain things, so I guess my unconscious mind continues to work through things.


Laura said...


My father will have been gone for 10 years this August/September (don't ask...). It's amazing how time goes by.

I'm sorry that you have such unresolved issues with your Father. I expect the same, probably, with my Mom. The good news for her is that I expect that she will live to torture me for at least 20 more years - lol.

The important thing, I think, is to live without guilt. If you know that you did what you could in that situation, then it's a closed book. I know that I feel that way about my own Father.



Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you were unable to clear the air/resolve the underlying issues between your father and yourself.
I know all too well about step-monsters and fathers who blow off their children for their spouses and their families. (I may need to go to counsling :))
Hang in there girl!