Of course, the most guilty person in this regard is myself. I have hated myself for so long. It hasn't worked. Time to try something new.

An Almost Unbearable Sweetness

Unfortunately, being in the business I'm in, I attend more than a normal share of funerals. One of our consumers died last Thursday, and the funeral was this morning. Most of our consumers are not high functioning enough to really grasp the idea of death, but we do have some "guys" that do understand.

Now, I hate funerals as a rule, and have a difficult time going up to pay my respects (the reason why is a story for another day), so I usually wait until the end when everyone makes one last quick pass past the casket.

As I was waiting on line today, one of our consumers, who normally has a difficult time talking (due to aphasia), was wheeled up to the casket. "Good-bye, Vinnie," she said, "I'll see you in heaven."

Procrastinate much?

I finally planted some flowers in my outside planters. Found some cheap flowers at the local supermarket. (I guess they are trying to get rid of their stock, since summer's almost OVER.) I planted mini chrysanthemums (wow! spellcheck says that's right!) in several colors and some dahlias.

The dahlias look like this:



Better late than never!

A Sign

A sign that I have seen too many "CSI"s:

I was driving to work the other morning and I came to a stop light that is basically in the middle of a lot of woods. I was startled to see a knife laying on the ground in the middle of the road.

And immediately began looking for the body.

Strange psycho thoughts

I think I have reverse body dysmorphic disorder. People with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) are obsessed by the idea that some part of their body is ugly or deformed, when in truth it looks normal. I look in the mirror and think, eh, I don't look that bad. Yet I know from looking at other people my size that I am abnormal. It is not normal to be this fat. I flip between finding myself repulsive (more likely if I catch a glimpse of myself nekkid) and thinking I look okay (mostly when I am clothed). I think that this may, in some way, be my brain's way of conning me into thinking I really don't need to lose weight. The prescription bottles in the cabinet, of course, tell me different.

I ordered the Sweatin' to the Oldies DVDs since my videos are shot. It also has an extra DVD which I believe is about loving yourself(?). I know that I can mostly get through Sweatin' 1 and Sweatin' 2, so I'm hoping the new DVDs will inspire me.

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What a bizarre day it was last Thursday...whoever thought Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson would die on the same day. Since I grew up in the 70's for the most part, they were both an integral part of my childhood/teen years.

Farrah...rest in peace.
Michael...I hope you finally find peace.

Why I Hate "Butterfly Kisses"

I can't believe it's been so long since I have been here. Or that I left such an irrelevant post up! :-P

The last few weeks have been crazy. We had our audit at work. I was working 10 or more hours a day to prepare. It went really well and neither of the citations we received were in my area. Then last week I was sick. I was out of work for 2 days, feeling flu-ish, oh-so-tired and achy. I slept for the better part of those 2 days. I still didn't feel that great the rest of the week, but I'm okay now.

Josh went back to the vet again 2 weeks ago. His feet are better, but he is not cured. He has to go back again this weekend. He is not wearing the "funnel-head" collar any more.

I had a dream about my dad the other night. I couldn't figure out what brought it on, then I realized today that yesterday was Father's Day. It's been so long since I have had to think about Father's Day that it is off my radar. My dad died 18 years ago at the age of 57. He had cancer throughout his body. He was a lifelong smoker and and alcoholic. He also was one of those men that never went to the doctor, so we don't know where the cancer started. I had been...I guess you would call it estranged from my dad for 5 years before he died. My step mother was not a very nice woman and didn't really want me around, and my dad was not the type to stand up to her. I had decided at one point that I was not going to call him any more...if he wanted to be in contact he would have to make the effort. He never made the effort. I found out that he was dying from my aunt, who I had stayed in touch with basically through Christmas cards. I finally gave in and called him. When I called, he answered the phone and I said, "Hi, it's Laurie (that's what I was called when I was little)." And he said, "Who?" This freaked me out and I hung up on him. My mom, in one of her nicer moments where dad was concerned, calmed me down and got me to call back. I talked to him for a while. The next day my step monster called me and asked if I wanted to come visit. I decided to go, not realizing the day that I agreed to was Father's Day. We had a pretty good visit, but his brain was already affected by the cancer and he kept asking the same questions over and over again. When I was leaving, my step mother walked me out and told me they had hospice coming in and basically that he was dying. No sh*t, sherlock. I still can't believe she would have let me come visit without my knowing anything about his condition. (As you can see, I still have some issues regarding her. I am, however, grateful that she was there for him at the end and that she made him happy for the time they had together. Isn't that mature of me? :-p )

Also, showing up empty-handed on Father's Day was awkward. Whatever.

So I never resolved anything with my dad. I was such a daddy's girl, that it seems surreal that things ended up the way they did. I have had periodic dreams about him where I've been able to make peace with certain things, so I guess my unconscious mind continues to work through things.

Rating the Finales

Well, my TV watching is over for the summer. Here is a quick review of all the finales I have watched in the last few weeks.

America's Next Top Model-What an entirely boring season. I couldn't even remember most of the girl's names. I thought Allison should have won. I usually don't agree with the winner. 1 out of 5 chicks.




Biggest Loser-Woo-hoo! Way to go, Helen! Funny, I had been identifying with Tara all season (well she is from Long Island!), but Helen's only a little older than me. I did, however, read that Helen is now considered underweight. Ya just can't win! 5 out of 5 chicks.

American Idol-another yawn for me. I liked Danny and Allison. 2 out of 5 chicks.

Dancing with the Stars-Woo-hoo, again! That cute little Shawn Johnson was my choice, too. 5 out of 5 chicks

Grey's Anatomy-snooze. Don't care if George and/or Izzie die. 1 out of 5 chicks.

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I'm watching this new show called "Obsessed." It's probably not the best idea for me, since I have had many periods of OCD throughout my life. I have done the compulsive handwashing, compulsive lock checking, compulsive clock checking (making sure the alarm is set for the correct time, that it's on a.m. and not p.m., that the radio station is not fading, and that the volume is high enough, but not too high, just high enough to wake me up, but not high enough to give me a heart attack...you get the idea). I don't need any more ideas put in my head.

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I went to work today even though I had the day off because I wanted to try to get ahead, but I don't really feel like I got much accomplished. There is too much work and not enough time.

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Josh update: He went to the vet on Saturday for a follow-up, and while we were there one of his nails fell off, then the vet pulled off another one that was hanging. She shaved his feet so we could put saline on his toes. He is, shall we say, uncooperative. He's supposed to still have the funnel on his head but we are leaving it off because he doesn't seem to be licking. Heidi is so happy...she can get to his ears now!

Prejudiced

Ang at Getting Fit After Forty posted today about her social experiment to see the different ways people treated her if she wore makeup and nicer clothes.

I wear makeup and dress as well as I can and do my hair every day. The reason I do this is because I'm prejudiced. Prejudiced against my fellow fat people. I cannot stand it when I see someone out in public, or, even worse, at work, dressed like a slob. I feel like these are the people that give fat people a bad name. It looks as if they've given up, and they might as well have "abuse me" signs taped to their backs.

It really is all about how you present yourself. I always try to walk tall with my head up, and I don't see or hear people making fun of me. I have noticed, though, that, on occasion, if I am really tired and not paying attention to how I am walking or moving, there tends to be more pointing or snickering.

I know some would say that the people who don't bother suffer from low self-esteem, but I don't consider myself to have great self-esteem. Most of the time I don't even like myself. But there has got to be something more that makes people just give up.

I. Will. Never. Give. Up.

Quote for the day:
"There are so many wonderful things in life to be afraid of, if you just learn how scary they are."~borrowed from a friend on Facebook

Are YOU talkin' to ME???

Wow! Summer gave me a Super Blogger award. I am sooooo not worthy (as I said in response to her post). Thank you so much, Summer! I'm not going to send it on to other bloggers because I don't know how. Also everyone I like already has one since I am so slow to respond. I'm hoping I can figure out how to post my award.

Work is so incredibly hectic. We will be having our state audit in 2-3 weeks, so now is the time I start going insane! I know that I can get my work done if everyone would leave me alone, but no, I end up doing everyone else's work and no one helps me with mine.

Poor Josh still has a funnel head. He went back to the vet again on Saturday and had to have one of his funky nails removed. He came homw with a little blue bandage on his foot (with stars). I wonder if they have pink for girl dogs. When he went outside we had to tape a baggie to his foot. He did. not. like. it. Not one little bit. When the time finally came to take off the bandage, I had to practically sit on him and pull up on his collar like reins to get him to cooperate. Good thing he's a fat dog, so I didn't hurt him! (My neck, on the other hand, is another story!)

Richard's chat was good tonight. All the excuses. I think I've used them all. What I wanted to ask him was, what about when you DO lose weight, not all of it, but enough to feel really good, and you become complacent and cease being vigilant. It's happened to me quite a few times. How do you stay on top of things?

Quote for today:
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.~Unknown

April Showers bring May flowers; what do May flowers bring?

When I was watching the Biggest Loser, I had no sympathy for Max, brother of contestant Mike/son of contestant Ron. But, I was reading an article about the contestants the other day, and I read that Max is only 17 years old. That certainly explains a lot. I assume he's still in high school and probably harrassed every day. His jealousy of his brother's success makes so much more sense now that I see they are only a year apart. I commented on someone's post about this, although I can't remember whose, but my opinion of the kid has certainly changed, even though I still think he should have given his dad and brother their props.

I am feeling like a big failure right now myself. I swore I would get back on track with exercising this week during the cybercruise, but I haven't done a damn thing yet. What the heck is wrong with me???

Poor Josh...still a funnel-headed dog. Turns out my mother did not give him the right amount of antibiotic, so he's got to wear the elizabethan collar for at least another week and a half. He just keeps giving us the sad puppy eyes.

Quote for the day:
"The world's favorite season is the spring. All things seem possible in May."
-- Edwin Way Teale

Addiction

I have an addictive personality. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother was a binge eater. I am a compulsive overeater. But that's not the kind of addiction I am talking about today.

I want to come clean about my other addictions.

I am addicted to Etsy.
I blame it on Laura S. Before she actually had an Etsy store, she had a section on her home page that said something like "Check out my Etsy shop." Shop??? I went to look for her shop but of course could not find it. But Etsy...wow is that my kind of place. Millions of one of a kind items. The coolest jewelry ever.
All Laura's fault. :-D

I am addicted to tweezing. I am obsessed abou my eyebrows to the point that I now have half brows. This must stop before I look like like Whoopi.

I am addicted to magazines. I subscribe to TVGuide, Entertainment Weekly, O, Ladies' Home Journal, Reader's Digest, and People, yet every time I go to the supermarket, I seem to bring another home another one. Even though I know I am unnecessarily killing trees, I can't seem to stop myself.

I am also addicted to: reality television, reading, Facebook (that's a new one), blogs, and makeup.

One thing I used to be addicted to, and am hoping to pick up this addiction again:
EXERCISE!!! I vow to start exercising again, even if it's only 10 minutes at a time, while participating in the cybercruise.

Quotes for the day:
"Good habits are as addictive as bad habits, and a lot more rewarding." Harvey McKay

“We may think there is willpower involved, but more likely… change is due to want power. Wanting the new addiction more than the old one. Wanting the new me in preference to the person I am now.” George Sheehan

Hiding from the Sun

Oh my gah! What a gorgeous day it was today...sunny and 72 degrees. I went out to get my hair done---got it colored and trimmed. I left with my jacket on, but soon realized I wouldn't need it. I felt so uncomfortable. I like winter, except for the cold part. I can be covered up from neck to toes. I was tugging at my t-shirt all day, trying to cover up my fat. As if I could. I hate this so much.

Funnel-headed Dog

Took Josh to the vet yesterday because he's been limping for a couple of days. He cried once when he was "playing" with Heidi, so we thought maybe she had hurt him when jumping on him. Turns out he has an infected toe. Actually he has TWO infected toes. It turns out this is common in German Shepherds. They get some weird toe fungal infection. Yuk! So since his licking the foot constantly has made it worse he has an Elizabethan collar on. He does. not. like. it. Heidi has this habit of licking his ears (the vet said his ears were really clean! LOL). When we got home she ran up to him and started licking the plastic. She couldn't figure out why she couldn't get to his ears.

Someone at work asked me if I was losing weight. I don't know...haven't weighed myself. My eating has been considerably better, so it is a possibility. But I am not going to jinx myself by getting on the scale (yes, I have a scale phobia). Yesterday at work I had to do an environmental walk-through. It took over an hour and a half (actually I had to leave before it was over to take Josh to the vet). Everything hurt! My knees, ankles, back. I still haven't started exercising, that has to be my next step. I know that when I exercise it really helps my back and knees, so why do I hesitate? I think maybe it's the commitment. Once I start I know I really need to do something every single day. If I skip one day, it makes it somehow easier to skip 2 days, then 3, then 3 years. When I think that it has been 3years since I exercised regularly I am ashamed.

Things have been okay at work. The new manager and I are working well together, so maybe I overreacted to what happened last week. We'll see.

A quote for the day:
“To eat is a necessity, but to eat intelligently is an art.” -La Rochefoucauld

Sabotage/Flabotage

Summer over at Mommy Needs Coffee wrote a great post about how we sabotage ourselves in our weight loss journey. I started to reply in her comments, but I then I thought it would be a good subject to blog about myself.

I have sabotaged myself so many times. In 1994 I lost a hundred pounds. I didn't see any difference in the mirror for the longest time. It took seeing pictures of myself that were unrecognizable to realize how far I had come. My best friend at the time took one look at a picture of me on a field trip with my class and blurted out, "Wow, you look normal!" And she was right, I did. Even though I was still over a hundred pounds from goal, I looked really good. I managed to lose a bit more weight before my first Cruise to Lose in 1995, but once that was over, I slowly began to gain the weight back. By the time I went on my next cruise in 1996 I had gained about 30 pounds back. It seems that whenever people start complimenting me and paying attention to my weight loss, I sabotage myself. I lost between 80 and 100 pounds several more times, only to shoot myself down again.

There is definitely some kind of fear there...but fear of what? Why am I afraid of losing weight and being healthy? Is part of it fear of disappointing people who believe in me? I do think that part of it is that when I was very young, like 12 to 14 years old, I looked older than I was (and I was quite thin at the time) and I received a lot of confusing, scary, and inappropriate attention from men.

My mom was a fat kid who got teased a lot, and she was determined that I not be fat. She had me on diets from the time I was seven. When I look back at the pictures I wasn't a fat kid. She will say this is because she controlled what I ate. I don't blame her anymore. She was doing what she thought was best for me. Although I do think that in the past a lot of my eating was rebellious, I can't blame it on that any more. In one of Geneen Roth's books, she says, in essence, "I will never have a happy childhood." It's time to get over that and get on with my life. I was beaten as a kid, but I long ago forgave my father for that, and he has been gone for almost 18 years, so there's no need for fear there.

But yet, still the fear persists. I wonder if I will ever understand the fear or if I will just have to combat it for the rest of my life.

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After what happened at work on Thursday, I feel my days there are numbered. I need to prepare myself for finding another job, and one of the first parts of that, for me, is getting some weight off so I feel more comfortable and more confident about meeting new people. I know they will keep me around at least until June, because that is when our audit will be, so I have a couple of months to get a good start on making the lifestyle changes I need to make.

Ms. Undastood

Warning: This may be a very whiny post.

I got in trouble at work today.

My boss called me into her office and said that I was too negative, rude, and asked me if I was passive aggressive. She then brought up all these other times that I have apparently been negative and inappropriate. What do I call the fact that she saved all this up instead of speaking to me the first time she felt this way about what I said? This was in reference to meetings with other departments in the same agency, where I felt I was being honest, not negative. I don't really remember what I said specifically, so I don't know what she construed as being negative/rude. I can be very blunt, so I can see how this might be seen as being rude to someone who doesn't really know me, but, damn, I felt so ambushed and soooooo frustrated. I tried not to be defensive, but really didn't know how to respond. I felt tears welling up, so I just concentrated on not crying. Just kept nodding. I don't know what to do now. I am going to be afraid to open my mouth. I always felt it was okay to voice my opinion, but obviously it's not.

On the plus side, I managed not to cry until I got in my car and off the property.

Calling Dr. Doolittle!

My old dog, Jake, when it thundered, would curl up back by the closed bedroom doors. It was like a little cave where he would be protected from the lightning. This was only a problem when I needed to leave my bedroom and he refused to move. Climbing over a 75 pound dog when I had to pee was not easy. Josh, however. cowers by the stove--the place where the most electricity comes into the house, as far as I can figure. It's really hard to work around a 95 pound dog shivering in the middle of your very small kitchen. Sigh. The girl dog, on the other hand, could not care less. We think she's not the sharpest tool in the shed, so is she too dumb to be afraid???

The late, great Jake "helping" me exercise, circa sometime in the '90's---






The cats are not allowed on my sheets or up near the pillows. I am mildly allergic to cats, so I really cannot be inhaling cat dander all night. Now they are both smart enough to know I don't want them on the sheets or at the top of the bed. How do I know this? Because as soon as I walk into the bedroom, they get up and move off of the sheets (if I have left the bed unmade--this can happen in the 2 minutes it takes me to, again, pee) or move down to the bottom of the bed. Beyotches. Sigh...

Richard sez

Be my own best friend.

That's kind of an interesting concept. I mean, really, would I ever treat my best friend as badly as I treat myself? Would I call my best friend failure, ugly, repulsive or stupid? Would I give my best friend things I know are not good for her? Would I put my best friend last?

Food for thought. (heh, food!)

Spring, my ass!

So, yesterday was the first day of Spring and it snowed. At least it didn't stick. Today it was freezing again. I got myself a new Spring pocketbook, but I refuse to wear it with my winter coat!!!

I don't plant anything directly in the earth in my yard. I've always had problems with moles and they ate everything I planted or moved it around. So now every year three rogue surviving crocuses come up in different areas of the front lawn. I start looking for them a few weeks before Spring starts. So, yay, Tuesday I see the first crocus!!! I took its picture with my cell phone. And Friday it snows. Poor little crocus. It's still there but not looking too healthy. I can't wait until it's time to plant flowers in all my planters. Then I will know it's really Spring!

So, this is my blog issue. I'm on the computer so much at work that when I get home I don't want to even look at a computer any more. So I don't go on the computer for a few days. Then I realize I am going to have a ton of mail to deal with, so I don't want to go on the computer even more! 'Til finally, 2 or 3 weeks later, I say, "I've really got to go on the computer." Whereupon I spend 2 and 1/2 hours reading e-mails. And those are only the ones I consider worth reading. Out of 380 I read 102.

So, this is my issue with American Idol. The contestants have to sing songs from a different genre each week. This week was country music. I like some country music, especially Garth Brooks, but I digress. This is supposedly so the judges and the American public can see that the contestants can perform at least adequately in all genres of music. So why is it that when the contestants take a perfectly good country song and sing it in a non-country way in a non-country arangement they get the highest praise from the judges? Is a puzzlement. Maybe I am getting over reality TV.

So, this is my issue with work. I don't want to do it anymore. Most of what I have to do is such an agonizing bore that I cannot force myself to focus. I wander out of my office looking for other things to do. But if I don't do my work, no one else will. And, yes, of course, I know I am lucky to have a job. So the papers just continue to pile up on my desk, and I still need to write an annual in-service to give the week after next.

So, this is my issue with weight. Once upon a time, I lost a hundred pounds in 12 weeks, and I wasn't even on The Biggest Loser. And I didn't do it in an unhealthy way, either. I just got up one morning and it all clicked. I started exercising that very day, even though I could only manage 15 minutes, and started eating right. In about a year after that I managed to lose another 50 pounds. I was no where near goal, but felt awesome. I'm the opposite of what usually happens, I lost the weight fast and gained it back really slow. So slow that I almost didn't notice it. I'm noticing it now, and hoping for another "click," but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I'm starting to realize that it may never happen again and I will have to slog my way through kicking and screaming, and probably crying. I do remember how happy I was then, but it seems so far away...

Oh, for crap's sake!

My blog seems to have disappeared. I open it up and there aren't any posts. Everything else is there, just no posts.

There was a foot of snow outside this morning, so I called in to work. When I spoke to the assistant manager, I said, "Hi, it's Laura, I'm not coming in today." She said, "I didn't think you were." I have not called in on a snow day yet this year. I went in after all the overnight storms. I stayed through all the storms that started during the day. So WTF was that supposed to mean?

I got an e-mail today saying that the camera I ordered was out of stock and my order was cancelled. It took a week and and a half for them to figure that out?

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On a nice note, the neighbor came over and plowed out the car and the front walk. He shoveled the front steps and even cleaned the snow off my car. Unfortunately, it snowed quite a bit more, but I can handle cleaning up what's left.

Edited to add: I have my posts back. Yay.

Some Whine With My Cheese

I'm tired. I have a sore throat and a cough I cannot get rid of. I went to work today because I was afraid to stay home. I'm afraid if I call in sick they will see that they can do without me and they will "dissolve" my job. It's happening all the time. Today I found out one of the assistant manager's positions was dissolved and she is going back to being a DCC. They say no one is being laid off, but that doesn't mean no one is losing their job. I wouldn't be so scared if I wasn't so fat. If I wasn't so fat I wouldn't have to worry about being rejected for another job just because of my weight/appearance. So, feeling this way, what did I do when I got home?

Binged.

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yet I am frozen, unable to move, unable to change anything about my life. Beyond increasing my water intake, I have not been able to move forward.

We are having a Mardi Gras party at work tomorrow. I have to dig out my Mardi Gras jewelry. I will try to remember the great times I had in New Orleans on several CTLs, and have a happier day.